Your mind takes you down a path that you know you may not come back from. You’ve been down that path a million times before, you know that feeling, the feeling of shooting yourself in the head with an invisible bullet, the feeling of someone slicing through your neck with a knife that doesn’t exists, those pretend pills, that fake free fall and that slow stop. You see yourself running across the highway or jumping in front of the train, you stare at yourself in the mirror and you watch your eyes turn black, your lip splits, your brow cracks and the blood that isn’t there begins to flow down your cheek. You walk from place to place wondering if that guy behind you is a threat, if that car down the street is a danger to you, if the crowd across the road is hiding something, but somewhere in your mind you know that it’s you who is the threat, you’re the one ready to crack, ready to lose it. You sit under an overpass and you let your mind take you places that you know you’ll never be able to go in real life and you wonder what real life really is. What’s real to you is a nightmare to everyone else and now you’re the outcast. You fail because you spend too much time in a world that doesn’t exist; a world that you find refuge in because you know it could be real if only you stopped thinking so much about it. Your daydreams become your entire day and suddenly it’s been a lifetime and you’ve gone nowhere, you can’t support yourself, you only eat because you know you have to, you pass the time trying to accomplish something that you just can’t accomplish. You play the happy card, normally you find it easy to cover your mood, but now no matter how hard you try people can still see your pain, inside your dieing and now it’s so bad that it’s beginning to show on the outside. You pass people on the sidewalk and hope that they for no reason at all start to beat you, you hope they pound you into the ground and leave you in a bloody pile just so you can get up and do it all over again the next day. You’re in a city of living and you are the dead. People try to care, but disappointment shows even when hidden, lies push past your truths and now your daydream has become your assassin. You blame the world, the market, the people, but you know that the only person to blame, the only problem, the only thing that is killing you is you. You’re now down that path, past that point of no return and the only thing left to do is keep going.
