Where Have all the Real Men Gone?
About ten years ago a horrible rumor started that changed how men and women acted for the worst. It was so bad that sub-cultures were spawned and television will never be the same again. What vicious lie was so bad that it affected not only our sexual relationships but also the world as we know it? This simple statement: Women like sensitive males.
Now, you may ask yourself what is so bad about being a sensitive male. You even consider yourself one. But as a woman I am here to let you know that the time of sensitivity has passed. Every woman I know has dated her share of caring men, those who will ask about your feelings and cry on your shoulder during every movie you see. And every woman has dumped that guy in favor of the Marlboro man who screws anybody with tits. Why? Because if we wanted sensitive wed all be lesbians and to hell with men. But alas, some of us still crave cock. So in an effort to help rehabilitate the sensitive male into a man women will actually want to have sex with here are some helpful tips.
- Dont ever refer to yourself as Metrosexual again, unless you want your date to vomit in your lap.
- Dont ever cry at a movie. If you start you might end up seeing your girl leaving with the jackass who was telling you to shut the hell up from three rows back. In fact the only time its ok to cry is when your dog dies, or the Seahawks win the Superbowl.
- Dont refer to something as cute, even if its your girlfriend. Cute is a word that older women made up to sound more like the sixteen year old girl that every guy wants to f*ck. And unless you want to come off sounding like a sixteen-year-old girl and run the risk of a gang-bang in county lock-up, dont use cute.
- Looks matter. If she says she loves you for what is on the inside, then why is she blowing Juan the hot Latino waiter in the bathroom of your favorite restaurant? You dont have to look like Vin Diesel, but dont show up looking like you let your mom pick your clothes either. Just take a little time to reflect on the greats, John Wayne (In any role he played), Sean Connery (As James Bond), Bruce Willis (Mmmmm sorry), and dress accordingly. Forget shopping at the mall anymore, just throw on jeans and that T-shirt you got blood all over in the pit at a Casualties show and ring my bell.
- Attitude. No, Im not saying two snaps and a hand on the hip. I mean Male attitude. Youve got balls so let em hang. When a girl asks you where you want to eat, dont ask her where she wants to go, make the damn decision yourself. Nothing says hot man flesh like a guy who knows what he wants and is not afraid to tell you what it is. And if she doesnt like your idea of steak at the Acrop, give me a call.
- SEX SEX SEX!!! In the bedroom real men take control. Screw female domination. Pull my hair, smack my ass, call me a whore and Ill suck your cock till the wife comes home.
So men, its time to stand up, push out your chest, and declare in a resounding voice "I am a heterosexual male and I demand to be treated as the sex pig that I am." Now go out and knock the first woman you see over the head with a club and drag her back to the cave (just remember to drag them by the hair or else they fill up with rocks). Make her cook you dinner barefoot then engage in sexual acts that would make a Scottish sheep blush and in the morning kick her ass out. In short, stop being such a god damn pussy
