I know no one knows but on April third I went in to the hospital with a brush with death.  I had been in my moldy home for to long and I began to sufficate.  When I went into the hospital the had to sidate me to put a tube down my throut.  From what Travis tells me (cuz i was out like a light) I fought five doctors and him to the point that they had to strap me down and give me a drug that paralizes your body.  After that the mucuse in my lungs had gotten so bad that I could no longer breath on my own.  I was put on life support for 24hrs.  I woke up the next day after they took me off the ventalator.  Then they gave me a commen ashmea med.  albuteral and it triggered a dorment heart condition.  I had four attacks in the hospital were my heart beat had reatched 275 beats per min.  They said I was doing better so they sent me home.  I was in a hotel room for maybe six hours when I was eating chocolate and I had the worst attack of them all.  Travis couldn't even count the beats.  When the ambulence reached the hospital and they hooked me up I had the highest anyone around had seen.  I had reached 310 beats per min.  and I was risking my heart stopping.  They gave me  three doses of meds.  that had slowed my heart before in the hospital.  Nothing was working and even the ER doc.  looked concerned.  They only had one other option.  The sidated me again and had to hook electrical panels to my chest and shock me.  It only took once but it slowed my heart down.  Travis said even though I was out of it when the shock came I stud strait up whith eyes wide open.  After a day of recovery and one last attack on my heart they told me that I had to have heart surgery.  That every attack was hurting my baby and in turn I would kill my child in time.  So they sent me to Grand Junction and I had to be awake through my surgery.  They suck these tubes through my main arteries in my leg and one in my arm.  Then they ran these rodes up the tubes.  It felt like worms crawling through me.  They triggered a heart attack and realized my problem.  When my mother carried my brother she had done speed and then with me acid.  It made it were I was born with a defect in my heart.  I was born with two pace makers and the athsmea meds. had triggered a endless circute through my heart.  They then froze out the extra pace maker and the surgery took 1hr. 1/2.  Now I am much better but I almost lost my life twice.  I was so scared that at 19 carring my child I would lose my life.  I am still not out of the frying pan yet because they are not sure if that was the whole problem.  So pray for me and my baby(which I found out is a boy) and keep us in your thoughts.

 I am worried about my child.  I am already 5 months pregnant and i am worried sick that my daughter may be coming in to a very horrible world.  Im not sure what to do to protecter but i don't want to shellter her to where when she is all grown up that she is unprepaired for the life a head.  I want her to see the world and all its beauty but be causious of its people.  What advice would you give?  How would you care for a child to have them raised knowing the world is upsetting or to have them live in a world where every thing is beautiful.  Please tell me what would you do?  Oh if it is a girl i have choosen a name finally.  She will be Pheobe Leann Kay Frederiks.  Do you like it? 

 I have done nothing wrong to this world but everyone seems they can judge the fact that i am turning 19 and that my husband is 36 now.  ppl call me a gold digger and i wish i could hurt them.  You stupid ppl.  society has clouded your minds.  it doesn't matter the age just that you are happy and haveing a good life.  But all you ignorent childeren make me sick with the fact that you don't know what is going on in this world and you are alone i am not.  so go to hell to any one who chooses to judge me.  look at your self can you say you are happy and proud of where you are now in your life.  I am 19 and have a family and a home.  not the petty bs of school or bs of my friends or some girlfriend cheeting on me.  so go to hell if you wanna say that i am sick.  you don't know the half of it.

I am so excited i found out today that i am in my second trimester in my pregnancy.  I have a due date of Augest 8th and I have this feeling that it is a girl.  I don't get to know for another six weeks but then i go in for my sonigram.  I am looking for great girl and boy names.  If any of you have a suggestion please tell me.  The last name will be Frederiks so it has to go along with that.  Any ways when i get a camera i will post pictures of me and my baby.  Along with the rest of my family.  My birthday is also coming up and I will be 19 on March 18th. The day  after St. Patricks day so take a drink for me cuz i can't and i hate it cuz I'm a drinker. 

 I have only spent 18 years on this earth but so many things bother me.  This world is so cold an evil. Yet so beautiful and great.  People have been so cruel to me and my family yet even my own family turned on me. This world has dissapointed me. Well no people have dissapointed me.  I don't know why but I have such a great saddness that is over whelming.  I look at god's gift and I see people every day be so caught up with the bull of society and it makes me wonder. What will become of my 1 1/2 year old son that I gave up.  Will he realize the same that I have?  Will it be a time in his life that he may harm himself with the over whelming dissapointment?  I feel bad but then agian I am just so angary.  Why does the govenment have to be like this.  We are soon gonna be imprisoned by them and there will be nothing we can do.  Do you wanna be imprisoned? but of course you wont do any thing about thier control you will just continue with your little lives and never give it a second thought untill it hits you.  If you don't wanna be a slave to the govenment.