My thoughts don't seem to want to flow in any given order today.. I’m attributing it to my lack of sleep last night and to the continued mugginess here.. So in my usual style I'm just going to open my mind and let things come out.. I might ramble so be prepared..

Once again I awakened from the same nightmare I’ve had since the accident.. Fractured pieces of a turbulent mind. I truly believe that the unconscious knows best.. That it’s best to not remember.. But is it a memory or a dream.. I still struggle with this thought.. The memory has a gauzy, nebulous quality to it.. It does not have that non-reality to it, that impressionism that dreams do.. Maybe it is reality.. Sigh.. I truly believe that grief is worse than death. When someone you love has died it’s almost impossible to get your head around it. The totality of it, your utter helplessness against it, it makes you feel as if you could burst into flames from sheer emotional agony .. I still hurt.. Will it ever end.. You’d think since it’s almost been a year that the hurt would fade into the vast expanse that is nothingness.. That has yet to be the case..

So running on little to no sleep last night I did what I always do.. I sought out my horses and let them ease my soul.. And as usual put myself to work.. It was such a beautiful morning I didn’t mind being up before the birds were.

Then the humidity swept in.. Aye how easily it zaps ones energy.. One minute I’m cheery and singing the next my tank top (along with all my other clothing and hair) is stuck to my skin like a second layer and my cheeriness is slowly deflating.. Today was not the day for Texas to come pulling up in my driveway bearing his 2 horses I specifically told him I thought his vet was better off handling.. His next strike came when he thought I was a lowly farm hand and tried to charm me into unloading his horses while he went to find the "owner".. Though it felt more like he was attempting a seduction and I was the main course.. I didn’t correct him as it happens all the time cuz apparently I look like I’m a kid still (laughing) and let him wander off into my barn while I sneaked in to exam his horses.. I’m a sucker for deep brown soulful eyes and both his horses had em in spades.. As I touched their satiny coats I knew I’d attempt to help them.. How could I resist.. So I unloaded and had them in my outdoor arena before Tex came back with my top therapist. Who pointed out to him that his horses were already in the hands of Morningstar’s owner. Laughing.. The look on his face was priceless.

Now I’m in my office guzzling energy enhanced vitamin water, which tells me that I can have the energy of a raving lunatic and will be yelling "goooooooooooooooal" soon. I guess that’s better than the Mtn. Dew I was craving.. That would have been Hello Energizer Bunny on Steroids! Laughing.. No one needs me in that mode on a humid day such as today.. Or ever really. Looking out my office windows I notice the sky looks black above the lake so I'm assuming relief is on it's way in the form of breezy cool winds carrying a thunder storm quickly on it’s heals.. HELLO SWEET RELIEF!! I soo love the violence of a thunder storm.. Heck getting poured on is a thrill..

All this rambling to say ~ Is it snowing yet?!?!