My entire life is one big deception. Here, I'll show you:

What I say I'm doing on my days off:
1) doing laundry
2) paying bills
3) going out for lunch or whatever with friends
4) charity work (seriously, I told someone this once...fantasy is fun).

What I'm actually doing:
1) smoking pot.
2) sitting with my mouth gaping open for hours in front of infommercials.
3) checking my family members' clothing and drawers for cash.
4) touching myself.

Reasons I give for being late to work:
1) the power went off in my house.
2) the bus drove right past me.
3) I got my period on the way to work (works wonders with male bosses).
4) I'm sick - usually with something nobody wants to check for themselves,
like food poisoning.

The real reasons I'm late:
1) I ignored my alarm clock for three hours.
2) I slept at some stranger's house and can't find my way out.
3) I'm still drunk.
4) I got a papercut, or some other non-serious "injury".