bernwern
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Posted on Mar 24, 2009
Posted by snodrifter
Posted by kendrat
you know what, finding a good girl-friend (NOT girlfriend... i mean a friend who happens to be a girl) might help out a lot. girls are used to the whole breakup counselling thing, and most girls i know don't mind helping a good guy friend out of a funk too. i've done it myself many many times. plus, girl-friends have lots of girl-friends themselves that they would probably introduce you to if they thought you needed it. or, steal some of mike's friends and get them drunk and high and talking about life.
either or.
I'd agree with that. Unfortunately most girls I know fall into two categories, they are either yuppy career types, who don't drink (much) and definitely don't smoke (and look down upon it) or they're girls who I actually like, and would maybe dig exploring a relationship with, so talking about shit like that is a huge no-no. The thing that kills me, a buddy of mine went through a break up with his fiance the other year. They all were so sympathetic to him. They all tried to help him. I have bad shit happen to me all the time and, well, they could give a crap. In fact, I was told by one that she would in no circumstances introduce me to her friends, and another one said that none of her friends would be interested in me; they'd want a guy with a career (at this age).
I hear your pain on finding the girl who appreciates you for you, not looking at your hobbies or vices, or lack of an acceptable career in their opinion. But remember, you want someone to like (and love) you for you, or you will not be happy in the end.
To me, your reply sounds like you gave each idea a try, but with minimal results. What works for one situation, might not work for the next....so you just may have had bad timing on those dates and how you handled it. It also sounds like the whole situation is draining you, and thus you aren't opening up to others.....their needs to be some transparency to any relationship, as that is how trust and loyalty are built; until you take the steps to open up, reciprocation will be hard to achieve. I am not critizing you, as I know I will have the same friggen issue after my divorce.
Posted by sharonkeller
Maybe you need to stop following those norms yourself buddy. If you dont agree with them then dont follow them, or find a way around them or a way to make them work for you..
I give advice.. but if you doesnt ever listen... or take the advice... its like you want it, but when someone gives it to you(thats what she said), you dont even use it to help yourself. so really all you have to do is complain about it on a message board... ps isnt this kind of like talking to friends about it? its probably an even better way cause you can get straight up advice without the worry someone would have of hurting your feelings.. they have an outside view yeah.. but sometimes that can help...
my advice... listen/take peoples' advice.
haha.
I do listen to advice. It isn't always practical, though. And things like moving on, OK, I've gotten OK at that, but things like a complete lack of affection in my life for, well, years now, it's not something that you can forget. In fact, if you do research on it, a lot of studies show that it's a pretty important part of life. At this point, I've just sorta figured that love and affection are things that I'm just not supposed to experience for whatever reason. But it fucks you up. Really, that's what I need more than anything. Reciprocation, ya know? The fact that something like "I had fun with you" is usually one of the last things I ever say to a girl is kinda depressing. How do you fix that? I've mentioned what I've tried, being distant, not being distant, acting interested, acting disinterested, etc, and, obviously it's not working. I mean, three years without feeling loved or wanted is going to wear on anyone, I think. Just saying "forget about it" is kinda denying basic human needs. Like, damn, I haven't eaten in a week. I'm hungry. Oh well, just forget about it, think about something else. It's like when you stay up for 30+ hours. The more you go, the more you think about sleep and the more tired you feel. It sucks.
Unfortunately, I don't think this is something I can fix myself. I'm positive that there aren't any magic words or solutions out there, I just need good things to happen that are totally out of my control, and luck and cirucmstance, unfortunately, doesn't seem to be on my side.
Again, this makes sense, but it is jaded. I understand where you are coming from....and hope that I don't have 3 years of purgatory in front of me.
I have gotten alot of advice lately, as can be imagined. Things from friends, co-workers, and family. Here is some I will share (for all):
1) Don't go looking for a relationship, go looking to have fun at whatever you are doing. If you meet someone, great, because they will already see things in common with you.
2) On why some frineds didn't object during (or before) my wedding if they had reservations: "You are our friend. We all love you and want to see you happy. You were happy, and that was what mattered at the time." This came from a girl friend, FYI.
3) On whether or not my wife was cheating, my boss told me this: "Ultimately, it doesn't matter because the end result is the same. Sure, knowing would allow better understanding and allow you to move on easier. But a cheat will never admit it, as they look bad to everyone." My boss is a woman as well, FYI.
My situation has been altered recently. Last week the paperwork was completed and filed, so only 30-60 days until I am divorced....it sucks, but it is for the best. This entire time I held on to my hopeless romantic notions that things would turn around, but finishing the papers seemed like a nail in the coffin. Worst, and best, part was this past weekend when I found the proof I needed that my wife was indeed cheating. The look on her face when I confronted her was priceless....I asked her if she still wanted to stick to her story about not cheating and she said yes, until I started reading her own words...her jaw dropped and she said"where did you get that?!?!?!" After a lengthy argument, things have solidified for both of us. She realizes her mistake and knows I won't taker her back ever: trust alone is irreparable. She also knows she needs to take this time to focus on herself, not on finding her identiy through a relationship, so she plans to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. As for me, I feel a great weight has been lifted...I know that I may not have been the best husband, but I know I was cheating, meaning the greater onus is on her. I can move on easier now, but it doesn't make my heart hurt less. It also seals the door permanantly on this chapter of my life, or at least once the paperwork is final. It will be a long road up and out, but one worth making at least :) I know my boss's advice was right all along, and even moreso now....she is such a valuable friend and I am glad for that. I also know my friends, family and co-workers will be scrutinizing my future relationships and jumping in immediately, as none of them want this to happen again....apparently I never knew what high regard everone had for me, and I feel truly blessed for that.
Anyways, keep your chin up. Things will get better. Get some more time in on the slopes if you can this season....mine is over, but disc golf has started!!! W00t!
-B
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