"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident". Welcome to stage one.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
February is officially coming to an end which means two things.
Spring riding is nigh and ski-school sessions are over. This means
no more group lessons at my local hill, but it also means more random
people riding. This week in snowboarding has been a rather eventful
one for me, I busted my snowboard twice. Most recently I pulled the
heel side screws right out of their inserts
effectively stripping them (I'm e-mailing my snowboard's manufacturer
to complain about that, my board is only three months old). This sent
me on a quest to find some hardware since I lost a screw; the quest
continues but that's not pursuant to the
current blog post.
Having moved my rear binding back by half an inch to use new
inserts, I went to Cascades to test out my new wider stance (if 3cm
makes a difference in snowboard length, 3cm might make a difference
in stance too). After a couple runs, I was casually carving turns
near the bottom of the main blue run when a skier collides with me
from behind. He just clipped me so I managed to sustain verticality
but he went down so I decided to slide down to make sure he was
alright. This is when he started hollering at me for being
irresponsible and that I should be more careful... what? I promptly
recited the alpine responsibility code to him and was strongly
tempted to tell him that if he can't ski in control that he might
want to consider golf; but I held my tongue. He didn't however, and
became rather confrontational with me; I think he actually wanted to
fight me. Now I'm not a big dude but this guy was starting to piss
me off and I was very tempted to put this geezer on his ass; but
again I held fast.
Once he gathered up his gear from his recent “yard sale”, he
made his way back to the lift line with his two kids in tow (Wow!
What a fantastic role model). I was getting on the chair behind him
with my buddy Dana and his friend Perkins. As his chair started up
the hill, he turned around to me and uttered some threats, shaking
his fist at me and everything (See above comments about role models).
I was expecting him to be waiting for me at the top of the lift
(Sigh! beating up a middle aged man was not what I had in mind when I
decided to go snowboarding tonight). Not surprisingly though, once
we got to the top, he and his kids cheesed it pretty quickly and were
not to be seen for the rest of the night, not even by the lifties who
at this point were quite curious about what all the ruckus was about.
Morals of this story:
-
Forget about respecting your elders, RESPECT ME! I'm
probably in better shape than they are.
-
If you're going to act like a tough guy, don't yell threats
from the chairlift then cheese it right after; it will just make you
look like a fool.
-
If you're going to behave like this guy did, be careful to
not confront resort staff; we can clip your pass.
Well I'm off to wait by the flag pole; I've got more crotchety
middle aged men to beat up. Until next time...
Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!
J.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Well, last time I posted on here, I called on volunteers for an
experiment to verify the validity of the statement that “forking is
better than spooning”. Reviewing various literature (usually
hidden behind the cardboard on the top rack of the magazine stand)
and peers, there is much evidence to support this notion.
Additionally it was suggested that “spooning” often leads to
“forking” (thanks Joe). So this mysterious philosophic postulate
found on the garment care tag of my Westbeach jacket seems to be well
supported but not yet empirically verified. Even though supporting
evidence is being discovered daily, the nature of research is such
that the more questions are answered, the more questions need to be
answered. So the following is a report documenting the progress of
this latest useless research endeavour.
This past weekend, I purchased a new pair of Westbeach snowboarding pants. West 49 was having a “Going out of Winter” sale, my trusty Quicksilvers are getting pretty shredded in the bottom, so I thought it was time. I bought a pair of Pit Stop pants with a really loud khaki camo pattern (this is sometimes distracting while riding... no doubt the phrase “I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you my pants are too loud” will be uttered by me before the season is through). Judging by historical precedence, I deduced that some form of philosophic wisdom would be handed out by the garment tag on my new duds. This was in fact a correct assumption, right beneath the French care instructions I found the following: “Save a tree, eat a beaver”.
In the modern age of climate change and CO2 credits, trees are an important part of our enviro-economic reality. The unnecessary felling trees is a burden on both the environment and the economy. This I believe is the message being conveyed by this particular tidbit of wisdom. By saving a tree, we ensure that greenhouse gases are being more efficiently processed to ensure more epic winters to come (this should be evidently important to snowboarders). So “save a tree, eat a beaver” is very topical advice from the cunning linguists at Westbeach. Even if we accept this postulate as being true however, we have to determine what effect the state of said beaver will have when it is eaten. Is there any benefits, other than aesthetic, of eating a shaved beaver? What about feasting at 30,000 feet (affectionately known as the mile high club). Have our brave Westbeach philosophers considered the consequences of red wings? What of pink tacos? These and many other questions need to be answered and more research money will need to be spent. I'm currently petitioning Natural Resources Canada for additional funding for this project.
Here's what we know so far:
-
Garment care tags are a good source of knowledge on topical
issues such as climate change and gender roles (The latter is based
on discoveries brought forward by Carrie).
-
Cunning linguists and muff divers may inevitably become the
saviours of our current climate (so say my Westbeach pants).
-
Laundry, although a tedious domestic chore, has proved to be
a great source of amusement. WASH YOUR CLOTHES PEOPLE!
Garment care tag philosophy is proving to be a valuable tool in finding solutions to the problems of our collective day-to-day life. My research budget is drying up however, and this important field of research needs to be explored more thoroughly. If you have any garment care tag philosophies to share, please do so; science shouldn't be bound by budget. Until next time...
Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!
J.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Every once in a while, usually when my friends stop hanging out
with me because of the smell, I take the time to do some laundry.
Recently I decided it was time to wash my good old Westbeach Sunset
jacket. We'd had some good times but it was starting to smell a
little too much like the outdoors so it was time to give it the old
spin cycle. I proceeded to empty out the pockets in preparation for
the washing procedure (faded cash and water logged iPods are not
cool).
With my pockets empty (even those secret inside pockets... I
didn't find any misplaced money unfortunately  ), it was time to
get to the washing part. Step one: find the garment care
instructions tag. This proved to be a bit of a challenge since it
was located somewhere beneath the powder skirt. Once located, I
proceeded to read off the instructions:
Seems easy enough, but just to double check, I decided to flip the
tag over to make sure I didn't miss anything (I only like good
surprises). On first glance, it just seemed like the French
translation of the afore mentioned care instructions (I love Canada)
however, there seemed to be a little extra at the bottom: “Spooning
is good but forking is better”. It took a second for this
wonderful nugget of wisdom to register, so on second reading it
occurred to me that sometimes the deepest of philosophies can be
found in the most uncommon places such as garment care instruction
tags.
Being a bit of a sceptic, I don't generally take what I read at
face value. That being said, this seems like an easy enough
postulate to verify. So I'm looking for research assistants to help
me confirm that “forking” is in fact better than “spooning”.
Compensation is commensurate to my research budget (which is pretty
much non existent once condoms and beer are purchased). Willing
candidates should send applications to:
The Institute for Useless Research
(IUR)
69 Fornikature way
Whorina, Ontario, Canada
IB6 UB9
I hope to be able to further the field of useless social science
and build on what I've already learned:
-
Clean clothes make it easier to keep the friends that you
have.
-
Wisdom can often be found in the most unexpected places,
including washing instructions.
-
Vanilla yoghurt mixed with strawberry pop rocks is a tasty
snack and a nutritional paradox (yes I know this has nothing to do
with this blog but I like being random).
If interested, feel free to contact me, I'll be in my study (the
crapper), or the lab (the chairlift) pushing the frontiers of
science. Until next time,
Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!
J
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