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Thursday, April 06, 2006
Some more fun facts about the one and only.............

 


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Published by josiehardcore: 9:09 AM

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shi*t from anybody.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris


1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the

Pacific Ocean .

3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. When Chuck Norris plays
Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

10. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

14. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. 83 7.58 Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

15. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

16. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

17. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

18. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

19. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shi*t on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

21. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

22. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "
Walker : Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

23. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

24. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

25. If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tattoo of an identical beard underneath.

26. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

27. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

28. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

29. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. 

More to come..........
 
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Published by josiehardcore: 1:47 PM

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The day of departure I finished packing and off to the airport. I said my goodbyes and started the best adventure of my life. My flight left Ontario at 8:30pm but was delayed for a de-Icing so my arrival was 12am BC time (3am Ontario) It would have been ok if I had slept on the plane but I was in the middle seat between two of the oddest people on the flight. The plane lands and I am off to Josh’s for a gold medal party. Walking into his place in Yale town I was greeted by some smiling faces and yager bombs. We ended up staying up all night watched the hockey game and passed out around 9am BC time. The Next day we do it all again except this time the place of choice is a country bar. Me + alcohol + line dancing = a lot of angry cowboys.

 

Monday I hop on my bus to Whistler and meet up with Christine, my very accommodating host. We get some wine and Sushi and head back to her place to get ready for a night in the village. We head over to Dangers place and have some Vodka on ice…..mmmmmm!! The Cinnamon Bear was our next stop for some pitchers of beer and great conversation. From there we proceed to Mojos where Danger and I got into a gun show. “Which way to the mountain? What time does it open”. It was 80’s night at Tommy Africa so we made that the last stop of the night where I proceeded to dance the night away in a drunken stupor. This is where I met my savior of the week Colin. I had lost Christine somewhere and I couldn’t find her and I had no clue where she lived except that it was in Alpine. Colin lived in Alpine and offered to wander around with me to locate her place. After what seemed an eternity we decided drinking beers would be more productive than wandering around in the dark.

 

The next morning I was up for 8am and ready to hit the mountain. Me and Danger hit up Whistler but my boots were killing me so we took it easy. That night I went to smoke some good BC bud with Bruce then I was off to Colin’s for some beers.

 

Wednesday went up the mountain bright and early with Danger and Christine’s housemate Helen. Such a good day of ridding and beers and laughs. We had a pitcher at 10:45am just to get us started. That was a full 9-5 day because we waited for Trudy (Christine’s other roommate) to get off work at the top of Blackcomb and we did the ski out with her. We ended up at Merlin’s for some dang good beers. Met up with Nick for some dinner at the Spaghetti factory then back to the pimp palace for some more yager bombs. It turns out that one of his roommates is a friend I had from last year. So we played Texas holdem and I couldn’t loose. I kept going all in and winning. So I gave all my chips to the other girl there and we went out to Bills I think…..things get a bit hazy. Everyone that I went to the bar with disappears so I decided to go get a pita and visit Colin. He was not impressed with the half eaten pita I brought him but he was amused with all the shouting I did.

 

Thursday was a right off. I woke up and literally couldn’t move I was so sore from the previous day on the mountain. So some hot tubing was in order and some nice cold beers. It was good I decided to take this day off because it snowed that night for a 15cm POW day!!

 

Friday was a POW day and went up for fresh tracks with Danger and Trudy. It was a perfect Blue bird day not a cloud in the sky. The peak chair was open and every one was doing beautiful lines down the front so we decided to see about creek to peak. It was UNTOUCHED!! The most beautiful sight I have ever seen in my entire life. We did peak to creek with no one around all fresh lines that morning. At the top Danger and I met up with Courtney’s brother Andrew and a friend of his. We decided to do peak to creek again and it was still pretty fresh snow. We ended up at the bottom after Danger leads me through some trees onto an undeveloped run with logs and mountain tall moguls. That’s why he has his name I guess. Dusty’s was our meet up point for 3 pitchers for 4 people. I got drunk! Ha-ha snowboarding to the bottom was a task in its self. Danger had to go to work so me and Andrew hung out and got hammered, it was a laugh.

 

Saturday was another write off. I was too sore to move. But that’s ok because it snowed all night.

Sunday was another POW day with it snowing all day. We decided to go up Whistler with a banana. I made a bet with Danger that he couldn’t hold the Banana in his hand all day with out dropping it. If he wins he gets a free pitcher of beer, if he looses he owes me one. Last run of the day Danger drops the banana trying not to slide down a frozen water fall. We had our silent moment for the Banana then to the GLC for some beers.

 

Monday I was supposed to be on a plane back to Toronto…..no deal! I delayed my flight for a day because Monday was EPIC! So much snow…Danger spotted his roommate Nick and we decided to continue the day on Blackcomb in the trees. There was so much powder I couldn’t believe it. Some places it was up to my thighs all untouched and ready for us. And it wouldn’t stop snowing fat fluffy flakes all day. Some spots we hit in the morning were covered in the afternoon. It was unbelievable. We did the ski out with Trudy and ended up at Merlin’s for some more beers. Then it was back to get showered, get alcohol and go to Dangers to watch Team America. Such a funny movie. I said my goodbyes to Helen and Danger, then to Trudy and met up with Colin for some beers. It’s so hard to say goodbye to such great people.

 

Tuesday got up at 630 am walked back to Christine’s for my stuff then to the bus stop to catch my bus. Saying bye to Colin my savior was so difficult he’s one of the coolest people I have met in a long time. I held back the tears of leaving such an amazing place with such great people and settled into my seat for a 3 hour bus ride to the airport.

 

I had such an amazing time there. I can’t wait till next year!


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Published by josiehardcore: 10:14 AM
Updated On: 3/9/2006 at 10:16 AM


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