My Default Blog
Saturday, January 14, 2006
I am who I am. I can't accept that. I have been told- 'Just be yourself.' I hate myself. Or at least "People" do. I guess if "People" didn't hate me and judge me I wouldn't either. That won't happen. "People" see me, look at me, judge me, know me... I guess im fake to others. The way I act around them, the way I act. That's me, around you. Inside it's not me. But, I can't tell you or show you. I don't know how. I guess they will never know. When and if it ever comes down to it, I will be left to rot. I am unwanted, no matter what they say, oreven you. I have said I would like to start over, but if I did things would never change. It will be the same, maybe even worse. I have been put on med's. Well inside I wanted them, wanting and hoping to change, for the rest of my life, FAKE. It's not me but nobody wants me.
I say what "People" want to hear. Just to make them happy. Or maybe for them to let me be. I hate the way I am. I always go too far. I don't know when to stop. "People" say control yourself. I don't want to, thats the way I am. If you have ever said that to me I most likely hve something I need to say to you, maybe I just want to tell you all of this. Maybe I wanna tell everybody this. My life is pointless, I live to help "People". My goal is to get under your skin. I want you to tell me you problems. I wanna listen. I haven't got that far, trust is major, and time. So give me your trust, your time, and your friendship. Who am I talking to? Everyone maybe no one. Maybe I should just tell myself, ask myself these questions. I can't because I don't know what to say.I can't put my interself in words. So I sit here trying to describe myself to you, there is nothing to say. So I am stuck on my own revolving door. I get things 'normal' and slowly retreate myself to me again, they hate me again. Friends, ha what friends. I don't want friends. Don't need um. If they would just let me be I would be fine. But they critisize me, judgeme, and to make them let me be. I try to change, by this action I am sent to start over.
It's a neverending cycle of hell, a harsh, f*cked up world.
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