Ok, let's just get down to nitty gritty (or as gritty as I can get): I've been watching horrible movies lately. So, here's my reviews of horrible movies that you should avoid at all cost, unless suicide is on your top list or you are just really bored. But if you're that bored to watch this mindless pap, you should consider if you really have anything to live for. I kid, I kid. A little.
I will say that just because these movies are horrible, this does not mean I didn't like some of them...just a note...
JUMPER
Jumper is not really a serious, feature film. It barely qualifies as a film. But I enjoyed it, for all it's flaws. It's the kind of movie you watch at 2 AM on TNT when you're up on a boring Friday in April. Bonus points for Samuel L. Jackson, who amazingly is not tired of playing The Angry Black Man in every movie, and for that wooden actor from Star Wars, for doing something different in every film (but yet always acting the same.)
Grade: C-
THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES
I'm not a fantasy. Yeah, I read Lord of the Rings, but I skipped many parts of the book (mostly boring elven songs). I do like the Hobbit. Best fantasy book ever written. But this movie? Nah.
Three things I can't stand in films: kids saving the world, divorce sub-plot, and the always tiresome situation that I call the "But I Swear!" cliche'. How does this work? You know in every movie where a kid sees something and nobody believes him, and he spends the whole movie trying to prove it but stuff keeps getting in the way? Some call that "delayed tension", I call this "annoying boredom."
Spiderwick has all three of these, plus ridiculous fantasy elements that are too scary for young children, and too goofy for everyone else. I should have watched Step Up 2 the Streets instead. At least there's dancing, and the fantasy is funner anyway.
My Grade: D
MR. MAGORIUM'S WONDER EMPORIUM
One word: dreadful.
Only watch it if you enjoy getting kicked in the head repeatedly and spit on by tobacco chewers.
My Grade: F
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Tags:movie, reviews, honest, critic, snowboarding, alaska, blogs, blog, films, review, jumper, spiderwick
Published by insaneintheshane: 10:40 PM
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