For shi*ts and Giggles: One for the Sheets by Frank
February 2, 2006
I woke up today after having my first wet dream in years and thought, "Wow, elephants look like they have a penis on right on their face." Why their was elephant porn on the TV is beyond me but it got me thinking about my penis, who I've actually named Dr. Wiggleberry. Could you imagine having your skin pillar anywhere else besides your groin? Like hanging off the top of your head? Sex would be hilarious, you’d look like an epileptic just flopping around. And you couldn’t look or shake your head real fast because you’d slap yourself in the face with your cock, that’d be the ultimate slap, slapping yourself on accident with your penis. I’d probable get bored of doing that to other people though. So what about your elbow? Funny? Definitely, but I mean how would you be able to make love to yourself and still click the mouse at the same time? Ok, maybe that one isn’t too funny. Well for the time being, Dr. Wiggleberry is staying in-between my legs, just a heads up for any girls that are curious.
Well, I was on the subway going to the city to buy running shoes, so I can run like black people run from the cops, but I’m in the subway, get in the train, take a seat, looked around the train, you know, make sure you’re not the only white guy, and I noticed this cute chick sitting at the other end of the car. She had hair tied up in a hat, wearing a bright jacket, and tight pants, looked hot, I watched some ostrich porn the night before so I was feeling a little risqué but…I couldn’t get a really good look at her, the subway was crowded. We then went over the bridge so the subway car got bright, so I look over and actually got a good at him, THE CHICK WAS A DUDE! THE GIRL I WAS EYE SCREWING HAD A COCK AND TWO BALLS! Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad so fast. I felt so gay, but I’m not gay. Was it my fantasy subway chick had a penis? Yes, but damn, I let my guard down, that happens all the time in NYC, these guys going for a chick look. The first time was the worst. At the Halloween Parade in the Village, I didn’t know the Village was “Gay New York,” and I see all these buff-ass chicks, not like muscular, these chicks were ripped, then I saw one of them in the front, “Wow, that’s an ugly looking chic..OH MY GOD IT’S A GUY.” Luckily my friend took away the spork I found on the ground from me right before I sporked my eyes out. That shock was worse then that time I found out it burns when you rub one out with Icy Hot, fun day though. Then I got my ass grabbed, and I still don’t know by who but the guy behind me dressed up as a French maid was giggling and smiling. I spent the rest of the night throwing up violently outside a transgender porn store. You really have to check with people from New York, hell, if I was sleeping with Jessica Alba and she was from NYC, I’d check, just to make sure, couldn’t hurt right, well it could hurt if you didn’t check and “she” turns out to be a lot stronger then you. Oh snap, that subway dude was a chick, I’m going to go say hi.
Have you ever had the most adorable puppy? The kind the little kids come over and play with and no matter what it does, its adorable, like it could shi*t on the rug and you think it’s precious. You’d think that you would want to keep that feeling forever right? No, instead, you picked it up by its fur and drop kicked its ass into the rainy street and waited for him to get pressed into the concrete by a steam roller. I had this feeling last Sunday at the barbershop. I’m not a fag, don’t give me that “you’re a metro” bullshi*t, I don’t get my nails polished or my pubes waxed, but I do like how my hair is cut, I don’t even gel it, just how it looks, a little shaggy, is that too much? With an idol like Shaggy from Scoobie-Doo, the first burn out on television, I didn’t have much to live up to, just that haircut. Apparently, the black barber I went and saw Sunday didn’t think so. He was some nice, old “brotha.” “Word”, that’s the only thing I could think of saying when he was cutting my hair, well that and every black racist joke I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I’m not racist, I’ve explained this before, it’s just a joke, don’t take it seriously. So I didn’t have anything to talk to this guy about, so I just sat there and watched as my rained to the floor. He took like a hour too, so as to really rub it in my face, “HAH! YOU PRICK! WHERE’S YOUR HAIR NOW?” When it was finally done, I was pissed, I guess black people don’t understand trim means trim, I would have happier if he gave me corn rows, but I did was always said when he finished, “Oh wow, it looks great, thanks.” I paid and left, as I was leaving he said, “Yo, see you in two years?” Good one…dick.
Thank you BrokebackMountain for ruining “The Bubble Boy” for me.
