Forever Fading Fast

In the blink of an eye, one passing moment, one set of synapses firing and processing that fleeting sensation into the front of your brain, in the time it takes that emotion, that feeling, that memory, that imprint to reach it's home to be stored forever, everything changes.

You sink to the beat, you crumble like dry bread or ancient pages. Your whole world is ripped apart and becomes foreign, unfamiliar, threatening. You recede into the depths of yourself, you retreat inside, looking for shelter in your memories, solace in the sound of your heart, your breathing, the murmur of your thoughts racing back and forth across your brain. But you don't find it. You don't find anything but more pain, more uncertainty, more disorientation. Your memories are jumbled and faded and stained and wrong. Nothing is as you feel it should be, or should have been.

You look outside for friends, family, familiar landmarks, but those, too, have all changed. Everything is getting bright and shiny and new and all the comfortable relics have been torn down and buried.

You panic. Your eyes open wide and your pupils dilate. Your heart is rushing, your head is pounding, but you don't feel any of it. You are numbed by the realization that all you held dear to your heart, all that you had clung to and cherished about you, all the things that you felt made you who you had become, were temporal, fleeting artifacts, subject to the slow decay of time and the surety of change.

You look in the mirror and no longer recognize the empty black holes staring back at you. You try to bore holes in your head and let out all that you have stored there for long, all that you know now to be superficial and unimportant, but it's in there.... The only way you are getting it out now, you realize, is to replace it with new memories, new knowledge, new images.

You decide that life for you must become all about change, all about now and tomorrow, because yesterday is a mirage of fleeting memories and ethereal keepsakes. Life is now, and tomorrow is not promised. You relinquish control and give up the desire for the known, the familiar, the comfortable. You strengthen your will and find courage to face the day innocent, with no predeterminations or expectations. You decide that there is no better time than now, no better place than here. Today is a good day to die. Your brain receives a shot of endorphins, your seratonin levels get a boost, your adrenaline high kicks you in the head and you want to scream, laugh, sing and dance....

For a few minutes. Then you realize that you are still lost, still confused, still frustrated, still scared. You don't know where to go or what to do. You can't tell the opportunities from the scams. You can't even muster the strength and motivation to leave the house. Why? Because your brain has become deprived; dependant and deprived. You need input, stimulus, excitement. But you need comfort, consolation, solace, and rest, as well. You think. In fact, you aren't sure what you need, what you want, what you think, what you feel, what you believe...

All you know is that there is a hole inside of you and you can't find enough pain, enough laughter, enough smiles, enough distraction, enough love to fill it. And you fear it is growing. Growing fast and to the point where it will eventually swallow you with it. Unless you can find a way to break. A way to fill it with enough poison and pain and torture and torment to overwhelm it and destroy it. But as you feed it, it grows, and it keeps feeding on you. You are consuming yourself, and you can't keep your eyes open long enough to look for the answers....


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Published by followtheflame: 2:00 AM
Views: 134