>From Terry Jones (formerly of Monty Python)
>
>Sunday January 26, 2003
>The London Observer
>
>I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
>he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've
>been really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors
>down the street. Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food
>shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is
>planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to
>discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what
>he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious
>he is. As for Mr. Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from
>very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
>leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll
>pick us off one by one.
>
>Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
>police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they
>need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll
>come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and
>wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will be
>finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr. Patel
>will be secretly murdering people.
>
>Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
>firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until
>recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush
>has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and
>then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it; Mr.
>Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to
>bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to
>stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK
>is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
>That's why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife
>and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll
>leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable
>way.
>
>Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq
>is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
>destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as
>much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and children as Mr.
>Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr. Bush's long-term aim is to make the
>world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
>It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when
>you've achieved it? How will Mr. Bush know when he's wiped out all
>terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist
>is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about
>would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate,
>since most of the known terrorists,being suicide bombers, have
>already eliminated themselves. Perhaps
>Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future
>terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until
>every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims
>might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to
>do would be for Mr. Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
>
>It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the
>tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street
>who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No
>one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I
>might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic
>as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.
>
>Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
>reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give
>the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open
>and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic
>outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't
>hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the
>entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W.
>Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my
>policy will destroy only one street.
>
