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Though I’m a man of few words, I do actually have a lot to say.  I’ve covered a few things here, probably enough to think about for a while. 

It’s been said, probably many times over many years, that "the best things in life are free."  If that’s the case, then why do so many people seem to think they NEED that new Lexus, $900 purse or the 7000 square foot home?  Why do so many people feel the need to live in excess?  When did ’the little things’ stop meaning so much and become overrun with desire to posess?  Is it greed?  Is it because they lead boring lives completely void of humbling experiences?  I guess I just see so many people focused too much on material things that enhance their net worth, and not things that enhance their LIFE, their character, their entire existence.  It’s rather sad that it seems only in times of disaster are most people brought to their knees, only then do they realize how fragile we humans are.  Only then do they truly begin to value their life, just being alive, having their friends and family alive, etc.  Of course no one is perfect, and I will be the first to admit I have taken things for granted from time to time, but I try to place value on the things that I’d miss most if they were gone.  And just to clarify this, when I say ’things’ I am not referring to anything material, the things I’m referring to cannot be held in your hand, hung on your wall or parked in your garage. 

A few months ago, I was snowboarding with some friends at Whistler and I had a rather memorable experience.  While waiting in a lift line I noticed Natasza Zurek standing nearby, just minding her own business eating a granola bar.  We ended up being on the chair behind her and when we got to the top I went over to say hello.  Though I’d never met her before, I’ve read many interviews over the years and always held her in very high regard.  She seemed to think very much like I do and I’ve always admired her skills and possibly most of all, her ability to remain humble.  I introduced myself and we talked briefly about living in Canada, how much snow had fallen so far, etc.  We talked about how much fun snowboarding is and then she asked me, "Do YOU love snowboarding?" almost as if it were rare to encounter another person who felt the same way.  I said I do, and that it’s the only thing that really makes me feel alive anymore.  We went our separate ways but that question has stuck with me, and as rare as it may be to encounter someone who truly loves snowboarding, I think it’s even more uncommon to encounter someone who is so down-to-earth, realistic and humble as she is.  It seems like any day you go snowboarding there’s always some fool who think it’s okay to cut you off or snake your line because they just spun their first 540 and they’re going to be the next Shaun White.  Sorry kids, but attitude only takes you so far in life.  We need more people like Natasza.  We need more people with a true love and passion for things that no amount of money could ever buy.  It doesn’t matter if you love snowboarding, painting pictures, or watching grass grow...pour your heart into it and feel the LIFE it breathes back into you.  Feel the satisfaction of doing something yourself, or better yet, doing something for someone else.  I know this blog is going all over the place, but hang in there, I’ll get to the point eventually. 

I wore a helmet while snowboarding a few times early in the season but got out of the habit at some point, probably because I was riding so much powder and not really thinking I’d need it.   On the morning of Friday March 21st, I put my helmet on for the first time since mid December, and set out to enjoy the new snow.  It was softer and deeper than I had expected, so I made my way to the backside of the mountain to ride some steeper terrain.  To make a long story a little shorter, I was riding down a narrow (single cat width) trail, going approximately 35 mph.  There were 3-4 people about 100 feet ahead of me when I came around the last corner before the trail drops to a flatter area with a wide, slow corner.  I was moving faster than the people in front of me but they were doing their own thing and I watched the first person I’d come up upon first as they did mild carves, staying entirely on the right side of the trail.  The people in front of this person had accelerated and were much farther ahead by this time, so I saw my opportunity to make it to the flat corner without slowing down.  Right about as I got up to the person riding on the right of the trail, they made a sudden sharp left turn, right into me.  I had nowhere to go but off the trail.  The next thing I knew, I was laying in the snow, leaning downhill slightly with blood running out of my nose like a faucet and my right eye wouldn’t open all the way.  I looked back up hill to see that I apparently hit a tree, which pretty much brought me to an immediate stop.  My goggles were in my hand, though I don’t remember taking them off.  Luckily the guy who ran into me was very concerned and talked with me and we determined he was okay but I defnitely needed to get some help.  After about 10 minutes of laying there (all I wanted to do was lay there, things didn’t look right), I still couldn’t get the bleeding to stop.  At the time I didn’t know, but my goggle lenses had broken and apparently sliced me pretty good above and below the eyebrow, which also bled a lot.  We finally rode the rest of the way to the bottom of the chair, where I decided I was well enough to ride up to the top.  The second I got on the chair I realized I probably should have waited at the bottom, but it was too late to change my mind and I made it to the top alright.  When I got to the top of the chair, Ski Patrol was waiting for me.  They gave me gauze for my eyebrow and oxygen, which didn’t really seem to help.  Then they took me down in a tobaggan, and some ambulances took me to the hospital.  The end result?  My nose is broken and has been pushed to the right, my right eye is partially full of blood, ten or so stitches above the eyebrow, a few below, cheekbone broken in at least 3 places and pushed back into my face which apparently pinched off some nerves, I have no feeling whatsoever in the right side of my nose, right upper cheek/under eye and both right and left (why the LEFT side??) temples.  My jaw seems to be in the same place, but because the bones above it are broken my teeth don’t line up the way they used to.  The next day my knees hurt and it appears that I must have almost straddled the tree (good thing my board prevented this!) as both knees had huge bruises on the inside and the left knee was scraped pretty good.  Nothing permanent though, thankfully!  Other than being in a little pain, occasional dizziness, and a fair amount of discomfort I’m doing alright. 

Various people have since said to me, "That’s why you gotta wear a helmet!" and I have had to correct them, "No, you don’t understand...I WAS wearing a helmet."  I’m not exactly sure what would have happened had I not been wearing it, but I do know that you never hear much from people who hit their head on a tree while moving at 35mph and NOT wearing a helmet.  Probably because they’re in a coma, brain dead, or just plain...dead.  Without knowing how close I came to any of those results, it’s hard to say how ’lucky’ I am, but I feel pretty damn lucky!  Having several days to reflect on what happened and what could have happened, it really made me think of many things.  It makes me realize how important family and friends are, as well as allllll of the little things we do every day that we take for granted.  Everything from breathing through our nose to chewing food, being able to fall asleep comfortably or even just yawning.  I thought about all of the things I love to do, and how much I’d miss them if I were never able to do them again.  I thought how much I wish I could just go up to the mountain, ride down a ways and just sit down and look around, breathing in all the fresh air and listening to the sounds, watching my good friends having fun, etc.  It reallly made me saddd to think about losing that, among other things. 

I read an interview with Jonaven Moore in Snowboard Canada magazine recently, and I’d like to quote a few things he said because...well, because I don’t think I could have said them any better myself.  SC magazine basicly asked how he would justify or explain the risks he takes (as we all do) to someone who doesn’t know or understand why we do it.  "It really comes down to the love [you have] for something. I’ve had quite a few friends die snowboarding, and I can honestly say they were so truly in love with the mountains and the connection they found there.  We do some crazy things when we’re in love."   I couldn’t agree more.  Just look at the things people do when they are in love with anyone or anything, not just snowboarding.  We do some crazy things when we’re in love.  They also ask him about an accident he had where he broke his jaw in 4 places, and what he learned from it.  "...I went into it your average, reasonably attractive, white kid--things really don’t come much easier to you on this planet.  I woke up in the hospital and looked in the mirror at a face I didn’t even recognize.  I looked like my head should be attached to someone who weighed more than 300 pounds.  It’s come a long way since, but the aesthetics of my facial structure were downgraded on some level, and they’ll never be the same again.   We have a lot attached to the face we see in the mirror.  It is very much who we perceive ourselves to be, and I don’t think I’m being shallow by saying that s much as I’m being honest.  That one accident has taught me so much about how I look at people, what I see in people and what really matters."  What really matters.   WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

So what really matters?  A new Lexus?  That $900 purse?  The 7000 square foot home?  I may never get the feeling back in my face, and it may never look like it used to, but I’m okay with that because I do realize that I AM lucky.  I’m the lucky one!  Countless people are hurt every day, far worse than I am right now.  Some will never see again, some will never walk or talk again, some will never wake up from their sleep and some will never think clearly again.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  Be thankful for what you DO have today, and again, I’m not talking about material things.  Be thankful that you woke up this morning, and that you are able to push your own shopping cart around the store, and that you see someone extraordinarily handsome or beautiful when you look in the mirror.  Go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air and just be happy you can breathe!  And every time you do something that seems rediculously mundane, just remember that there are millions of people worldwide who can no longer do those things and would probably trade anything for one more walk through a park, one more breath of fresh air, one more look at something beautiful, one more minute with a loved one.  Someone once said that the moment we are born, we begin to die, and it’s true.  We only have so many hours, so many days to spend doing whatever it is we choose to do with our time.  Once we’re gone, we’re gone for good, and the same goes for those we love.  Money can be wasted, time can be wasted.  You can earn new money, but you can never regain wasted time.  I’m not concerned whether you agree or disagree with me, I just ask that if you happen to have read all of this that you take some time and determine what is truly important to you, what things you truly love and are passionate about.  And remember, I’m not talking about material things!!!  Watch the news someday.  Though it’s unfortunate, you’re bound to see coverage of some disaster somewhere and inevitably you’ll see people involved in it and possibly catch a glimpse of what is really important to them...and you.

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What is Love?
Current mood: distressed

Love...is it overrated? or is it underrated?

i believe that most people find that it is overrated, but let me speak! I found love, in the eyes and arms of my husband. Even after a painful heart break or two, he came to me in the mists of dispair and misery. He lifted me above the dark abyss and led me to safety when i would have jumped. Death was so welcoming, as I groped for a chance to stay alive. Half of me was torn down into deep hate and regret, and everyother bad feeling ever known to man, while the other half was fighting for air, trying not to drown in the loss and the hurt. Nothing hurts like a lost love, but at least I had that short time with him. Even if I was to lose my husband tonight, I would survive with the hope of finding another love, another to care, and with the love of my family and my friends. I have faith that they and God will not let me down. I wasted so much of my life in depression, that I missed out on many happy moments and happy memories...I was too wrapped up in my sorrow to care about others' joy. I was too blind to notice that my aloofness was hurting the one's I held closest and dearest to my heart. For this I would like to say..."Mom, Dad, Daniel, and all the many others that I have hurt, I am eternally sorry for the misery I so unknowingly put you through. It was unnecessary pain and unneeded worrying. As you can see, I am better now. Thank you for your support through those times that only you will know about. Please forgive me."

Now that I have released that burden, let me continue by saying that love is not only something found once. I found love in the welcoming arms of two men. For the sake of my marriage, I will not say who the first and only other true love I found, but I will say that I will not forget what he meant to me and how he led me to become the woman that I have become and that I am still growing into. Only a select few will know of whom I speak...and I hope that I have not already said too much to let him know who he is. But I thank him everyday that I remember what he has contributed to my life.

Sure, the pain is horrendous, but, well, better to have loved and lost right? After all, the pain is a growth, the shaping of who we have been and who we will be. All of those we have lost will never be forgotton, but even still, we need to move on, if not for our health's sake. Dwelling on the past will bring pain, unnecessary hurt that can be forgotton. I don't want to forget the boyfriends and the hurt and the depression, but I also don't want to live on a dream that I think might come true. Every princess dreams of her prince, and believe it or not, every prince dreams of his princess, but few realize that the one they dream about may be the girl/boy next door. I have known my husband for over fourteen years, and I am only eighteen now. And I never lost sight of Tyler from the moment I realized that I liked him. I'm not sure when that like progressed into love, and who knows...maybe it hasn't. Maybe, I made a misake in getting married. I often feel that I threw myself into something I really didn't want to do. Howver, that may just be the negativity of my family, telling me that I only got married to get out of my parent's house. To an extent, that is true, but I have always loved my mom, my dad, and espcially my brother. I regret daily not getting to watch him bring his first girlfriend home, letting him cry on my shoulders when it ended badly, and getting  to stand up for him in high school. That is one thing I have dreamed about since I was little. I love my brother, and I want the best for him. And if someone hurts him unduly, then I will jump in the car, drive to Perryton, and stand up for him just like any other loving older sibling would. I am one of the few lucky ones in this circumstance, but that is a different story.

My point is, there are times that I want to take it all back and move back into my father's house. I'll take all of the yelling, the punishment and the emotional abuse and live with it like I should have. I grew up way too fast, and I don't recommend it. It truely sux. I hate having bills, house payments, loan payments, repairs, and everything that I have to watch for...seeing as I am now a "house" wife. Love is not only an emotional feeling, but a bond between two people, and this is what so many do not understand. It's not sexual attraction, it's not that feeling you get when you think of a person, but it is the great vastness of your feelings for a person, usually of the opposite sex. These feelings go beyond a quickening of the heart, clammy hands, shaky knees. It is the greatest gift that God could give to two people. It is not Lust, it is not Sex; it is simply what God says it is...it is loving, kind, and every word.(i can't think of them all right now) It is the feeling you get when he/she smiles, laughs, kisses you, hugs you, and even the way they get mad at you. Lucky for me, I have experienced this great feeling twice, and lost once, but I did not give up...I found another.

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you said you dont know the meaning of love.you can you  oe know the meaning when you said it to her evrynight.i loved you so much and you couldent see why i made you leave.was it all a lie?its ok just tell the truth the i have no clue or i dont know. you knew what it was you wanted when i asked.it was her. if it was what you wanted you wouldent have left me so fast you diddent even say goodbye or that you would miss me. i love you so much Timothy Robert  Mauntler always have and always will but if you loved me back you wouldent have asked her the one thing that meens the most. you made her a promise that one should keep you told her you would marry her one day some way some how.when if you diddent know what love was then why did you ask.if you truelyloved me you would have atleast said i love you or goodbye or not left me at all. but you did so there for you have some things to think about befor i say yes. do you truely think im the one you want to see your self with? Tim i am scared to loose you once agen. if you truely want me tell me in the one and you wont change your mind agen and agen. if this is qhat you want hear is the other peace of my heart you left behind the first time. Tim i love you and havent been the same sence. so tell me you truely love me and there are no regrets. make me know im the one you want tell me that in you book im what love is all about. i promise to be a better girlfriend this time around i will never hurt you or make you frown ill be the niceest person you ever met ill be you bestfriend i promise you that Timothy Robert  Mauntler but now its time for me to end. so do you promise it wont be like that once agen? the reson why i wrote this pome is to ask you are you ready for me or are you still in love with her. do you tell me you love me no preatends or regrets say i love you and ill be yours once agen.

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