Brothers
Current mood: 
drained
You know, my entire life I wanted to set a good example for my little brother. The only problem was, I didn't know how, and I ended up making a horrible example for him. The only good thing I ever did for him was be there when he needed me and trusted him with everything. If I had to choose a best friend, no restrictions, my brother would definitely be the one. The problem is, people mean best friend as in other than family, so I normally don't put his name down on surveys.
I always wanted him to grow up to be the best that he could be, be the person he wants to be, and I wanted to be the person who was there for him no matter what. But I effed this up when I decided to get married. I won't be there to see him bring his first girlfriend home, and I won't be around if he needs a shoulder to cry on. He can't vent his frustration about our parents to me, like I could to him, and I can't be there if some Senior decides to make him the butt of one of his/her jokes. That was the one thing that I could not stand about high school; the older one's always thought that they were better, superior, and just...well...better than us, at least in Gruver.
Daniel has to grow up with this on his own, when all I had to do was vent to him, and he listened. He was my friend, my shoulder to cry on, and my quick get away. I needed him through the toughest years of my life, and he's going to need me too. I just won't be there. It is for this reason that I, sadly, regret getting married.
I feel, usually, that you should never regret anything, because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted, but this is one circumstance where I do not live by that. I regret walking down that isle and making myself happy, before I made anyone else happy. I was thinking only of myself, and that is not right. He deserves better than that. He deserves exactly what he gave to me, but all I can give is a phone call, and that just doesn't seem the same. I know that one day, he will fall head-over-heels, so to speak, for a young seemingly beautiful girl and he will feel like his life is over when she leaves him, or when he decides that things just aren't working out like he thought they would. It is this period in his life that he will need a physical shoulder to cry on, and being rejected this, he will be shoved into depression, just as was I.
This fills me with great fear, because I know that he is labeled emo. This worsens my fears, knowing that I too was labeled as such, and I also did what it was that most emos are recognized for. My scars will never heal, and my heart will never mend from them. This is what my fears are based upon. I do not wish for my inocent younger brother to end up like I did. I want only the best for him. I also hope that those of you who read this try to give me some ideas of what I could do. Even with the gas prices, my only thought is to take the car and high-tail it to Perryton when he needs me. He is just like me in the respect that, as a teen, he wants nothing to do with my parents when it comes to infatuation. He needs someone whom he knows he can trust, someone whom he was there for, someone, like an older sister. I know he hides his feelings, as did I, and this is also psycologically unhealthy...I only wish that I was there for him to talk to daily.
That was our thing...everyday after school...we would tell each other of our days, and then of the hurt, the boredom of a teacher's lesson, and the happiness. This was always the highlight of my day. If it weren't for my brother, I might not be here writing this blog. Instead, I might be at the foot of a block of cold, hard stone, with the date of my death inscribed upon it.
I only pray that this does not happen to my brother. Perhaps, instead of being a negative influence, I was a positive influence, in that I showed him what NOT to do.
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