For those of you who have been following my blog, you might
remember that a while back myself and a buddy were mistaken, by some
acquaintances, as being a gay couple (See “Why the Fonz Rides a
Motorbike”). This prompted me to stop being lazy and set my mind
to finding a girlfriend (paraphrasing Tolstoï to boot). Similarly,
my buddy Gurbir (who was also wrapped up in this whole “are those
dudes dating” fiasco), set out to find himself a lady friend. This
was not directly a result of said fiasco however; he had a few
nibbles at a singles mixer we had previously attended.
If you recall, this singles mixer was full of cougars (there were
non-cougars there as well, but when they are bat-shi*t insane, the
cougars are more entertaining -- see “Cougar Hunting for
the Criminally Insane”). In order to deal with these
predators, much beer was consumed by me. Which leads to my first
meeting of Gurbir's current girlfriend. I don't remember actually
meeting her that night (although she did look familiar the next time
I did), but apparently in my drunken, stumbly stupor, brief
introductions had been made.
A few weeks went by, things between Gurbir and his new dame were
moving along quite well. He decided that he should invite her out to
one of our weekly Tuesday appy night outings. He felt the need
however, to warn her about what may potentially come out of my mouth
and not to take anything I say too seriously. This is probably wise
as many find my humour somewhat offensive. Well prepared for the
worst, Gurbir's new lady friend seemed to be very cool and reasonably
tolerant of my jokes. She even commented that my humour was in fact
not overly offensive despite the fact that Gurbir had tagged me as
the ISO standard for offensiveness. Swell, I'm now a metric.
The ISO is an international standards body that overseas standard
measurement units. To understand what it means to be the ISO
standard of offensiveness, one needs to be introduced to the concept
of applied commentary. An applied commentary is either an insult or
a complement which has a degree of offensiveness measured in Juniors
(J). The following is an overview of Junior's three laws of
offensiveness and how they apply to the standard measure of one's
vexation.
The three laws of Offensiveness
Junior's First Law of Offensiveness:
-
Every
entity in a state of uniform vexation tends to remain in that state
of vexation unless an external commentary is directed to it.
This is analogous to Galileo's concept of inertia which is often
termed simply “The Law of Inertia”.
Junior's Second Law of Offensiveness:
-
The relationship between an entity's indifference i,
it's level of disgust o, and the applied commentary C
is C = io.
Applied commentary and disgust are vectors (as indicated by their
symbols being displayed in slant bold font); in this law the
direction of the commentary vector ranges from revolt to delight and
is the same as the direction of the disgust vector.
This is the most powerful of Junior's three Laws, because it
allows quantitative calculations of dynamics: how do revolt and
delight change when commentary are applied. Notice the fundamental
difference between Junior's 2nd law and the dynamics of
Aristotle: An applied commentary, or insult, causes only a change
in level of offence
(a degree of offensiveness); it does not maintain its vexatious
properties as Aristotle held for velocity.
This is analogous to the difference between Newton's second law
and Aristotle's law of inertia. Under Newton, F = ma,
but under Aristotle F = mv, where v
is the velocity. Thus according to Aristotle there is only a
velocity if there is a force, but according to Newton, an object with
a certain velocity maintains that velocity unless a
force acts on it to cause an acceleration (that is, a change in
velocity). Similarly, under Junior's Law, an entity with a certain
level of vexation maintains that level of vexation unless
an applied commentary acts on it to cause revolt or delight. Applied
commentary can be either introspective or external. Introspective
commentary is the reason why it can be observed that time heals all
wounds; introspective delight is an applied commentary which affects
changes in disgust. Introspective revolt is self destructive and
stupid.
Junior's Third Law of Offensiveness:
-
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
This law is exemplified by what happens if we tell a guy his
girlfriend is fat. Physical or verbal application of resulting
commentary will be proportionate to the degree of offensiveness of
the original insult. (Note: This type of behaviour is not condoned
by the author of this blog unless the result is humorous or amusing).
That pretty much summarizes the concept of the J units for
measuring offensiveness. Here are a few conclusions and observations
about Junior's Laws themselves and the method that was followed to
elucidate them:
-
Sobriety directly affects one's indifference. The drunker
the guy, the less fat his girlfriend should be, 'nuff said.
-
In general, my friends have a very high level of
indifference, otherwise they don't remain my friends for very long.
-
Further research should be conducted on the implications of
Junior's three laws of offensiveness on the phenomena known as “the
awesomeness factor”.
-
Becoming the ISO standard of offensiveness is both flattering
and vexing and is a potential obstacle in actually finding a
girlfriend.
If you found any of this at all enlightening, or useful, you may
want to consider lowering your threshold for indifference. Since
becoming the ISO standard for offensiveness, I've had to do just that
and reconsider some of the vile things that come out of my mouth.
The whole experience has been positive however; since this change in
attitude, I've started dating a girl who hasn't run out on me after
one or two dates. So until the next instalment of the Daily Barns,
think positive thoughts that your favourite retard will rise above
and strengthen his inter-personal relationships. Until then, pray
for snow.
Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!
J.
Add/View Comments (2) 
