This is analogous to Galileo's concept of inertia which is often termed simply “The Law of Inertia”.

Junior's Second Law of Offensiveness:

2. The relationship between an entity's indifference i, it's level of disgust o, and the applied commentary C is C = io. Applied commentary and disgust are vectors (as indicated by their symbols being displayed in slant bold font); in this law the direction of the commentary vector ranges from revolt to delight and is the same as the direction of the disgust vector.

This is the most powerful of Junior's three Laws, because it allows quantitative calculations of dynamics: how do revolt and delight change when commentary are applied. Notice the fundamental difference between Junior's 2^nd law and the dynamics of Aristotle: An applied commentary, or insult, causes only a change in level of offence (a degree of offensiveness); it does not maintain its vexatious properties as Aristotle held for velocity.

This is analogous to the difference between Newton's second law and Aristotle's law of inertia. Under Newton, F = ma, but under Aristotle F = mv, where v is the velocity. Thus according to Aristotle there is only a velocity if there is a force, but according to Newton, an object with a certain velocity maintains that velocity unless a force acts on it to cause an acceleration (that is, a change in velocity). Similarly, under Junior's Law, an entity with a certain level of vexation maintains that level of vexation unless an applied commentary acts on it to cause revolt or delight. Applied commentary can be either introspective or external. Introspective commentary is the reason why it can be observed that time heals all wounds; introspective delight is an applied commentary which affects changes in disgust. Introspective revolt is self destructive and stupid.

Junior's Third Law of Offensiveness:

3. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

This law is exemplified by what happens if we tell a guy his girlfriend is fat. Physical or verbal application of resulting commentary will be proportionate to the degree of offensiveness of the original insult. (Note: This type of behaviour is not condoned by the author of this blog unless the result is humorous or amusing).

That pretty much summarizes the concept of the J units for measuring offensiveness. Here are a few conclusions and observations about Junior's Laws themselves and the method that was followed to elucidate them:

• Sobriety directly affects one's indifference. The drunker the guy, the less fat his girlfriend should be, 'nuff said.

• In general, my friends have a very high level of indifference, otherwise they don't remain my friends for very long.

• Further research should be conducted on the implications of Junior's three laws of offensiveness on the phenomena known as “the awesomeness factor”.

• Becoming the ISO standard of offensiveness is both flattering and vexing and is a potential obstacle in actually finding a girlfriend.

If you found any of this at all enlightening, or useful, you may want to consider lowering your threshold for indifference. Since becoming the ISO standard for offensiveness, I've had to do just that and reconsider some of the vile things that come out of my mouth. The whole experience has been positive however; since this change in attitude, I've started dating a girl who hasn't run out on me after one or two dates. So until the next instalment of the Daily Barns, think positive thoughts that your favourite retard will rise above and strengthen his inter-personal relationships. Until then, pray for snow.

Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!

J.