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A couple years ago, I fell in love in Jay Peak. An otherwise cold, windy and miserable day would also prove to be one of my best. There is something to be said about visiting places that were the setting for important moments of your life. Since November 22nd was set to be opening day at Jay, and due to the personal significance of the resort, I decided to get a car load of bros to go down there and ride.

The unusual suspects of the bro-down in Jay.

The road trip started out early, I picked up Yeti and Brad, and with Yahoo! directions in hand, we proceeded east for what we hoped would be a good day of riding (first for Brad and Yeti, second for me). The drive was mostly uneventful up until the Canada-USA border where we got pulled aside by the customs agent. He asked us if we were carrying more than $10,000 in cash (I wish we had that much scratch). I guess he wanted to search our stuff to make sure we weren't secretly part of the wealthy elite.

Normally a customs search would be no big deal, however, in this instance Brad really needed to use the restroom. So he asked the customs agent "do you guys have a public washroom in here?" To which the agent replied "It makes no sense for us to have public restrooms here because if you were smuggling drugs you could go flush them, or if we say something you don't like you can smear the whole place in poo." (no joke, he said that). Of course that's when we realized that Brad had probably set off a red flag with his request. Fortunately it didn't take long for them to search the car and they didn't make a huge mess of it. Once we were out of visible range of the border, we had to pull over to the side of the road so Brad could take care of business.

Yeti meets his doppleganger. What are the odds of seeing two of the same gaper.

With our urinal emergency behind us, we continued on toward Jay. However, we ended up taking a wrong turn (we turned up VT-105 instead of VT-242). Once that feeling of being in the wrong place set in, we decided we should pull over and ask someone for directions. Fortunately there was a pedestrian up the way. Yeti started joking how it was probably hillbilly with a shotgun. As we approached, we realized that this guy did in fact have a rifle slung over his shoulder. Not to be deterred, however, we stopped and asked him for quick directions. He confirmed that we had in fact taken a wrong turn and kindly directed us on how to get back. We thanked him and made our way. When we finally arrived at Jay, we were stoked to realize that it was snowing pretty heavily.

No sooner had we started unpacking did the gaper hunt begin. The first victim: Yeti. He decided to rock a purple one piece but because he does it in typical Yeti style, it had a certain panache that couldn't be ignored. However, Brad had been instructed before he left to make sure to spray a gaper wearing skier, so he looked at Yeti and said "expect to be sprayed."

Although Yeti's was the first, it certainly wasn't the last gaper we saw. In fact no sooner had we gotten our lift passes did we notice another skier wearing the exact same gaper. An instant friendship was forged.

For our first run of the day, we decided to go with the more difficult of the runs that were available to us. The snow was good but the moguls were large and the visibility basically nil. Which is probably why we hadn't noticed that we had ventured onto one of the closed sections of the run. This is when I fell in the creek (I seem to do this at least once a year). None the worse for wear, I tried to make my way back to the lift except I found the going to be tough (Yeti and Brad were already way ahead of me). That's when I realize that I have about 2 inches of sluch caked onto my base. I finally cleaned it off so we could resume our riding.

Gene Kelly sings in the rain but Yeti and Brad sing in the snow. The Jay clouds strike on opening day.

We spent the rest of the morning shredding up any run that was open until our legs were sore and our finger tips frozen. We decided to head inside for a while to warm up our fingers and take a bio-break. This is when things almost went south. While going to the restroom, Yeti's iPhone fell out of his pocket. He realized it was missing and we spent the next 15 minutes or so re-tracing his steps trying to find it. After asking pretty much everyone in the lodge if they had seen it, and only seconds before Yeti lost it and started throwing tables around, he realized that it had fallen into the hood of his gaper. Crisis averted.

The rest of the afternoon was a lot more of what we experienced in the morning: snow, lots of riding, some freshies, some gapers, more snow, and lots of laughs (did I mention it was snowing). At one point, while marveling at the heavy snowfall, we came upon a guy sitting in the snow, seemingly trying to fasten up his bindings. What was significant was that he was complaining that he wanted to go back to Delaware. I said "But there's no snow in Delaware!" "Exactly" he said which made me wonder what he was doing in Jay in the first place.

Finally when it was time to call it a day, we packed up all of our gear and made our way back toward the border. Four hours or so and 63 litres of fuel later, we made it back to Canada's capital craving massages and sleep. We were thankful to have benefited from the mystical Jay clouds for a truly epic opening day in Jay and to have averted any potential buzz-kill worthy crisis. I was happy to have gone back to a really important junction place of my life. The day was truly epic but at the same time made me realize how much I missed those who could not be there.

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The Superman Mythos

by Thyroros

The term superman first entered into modern usage through the writings of Friedrich Nietzsche. This late nineteenth-century German philosopher was vehemently anti-Christian and never tired of condemning the faith as weak, absurd, even detrimental to human development. While Hitler admired him, and the Nazis are said to have made use of some of his ideas, Nietzsche did not actually share their racist and anti-Semitic views. (1) Thus it is not entirely incongruous that two young Jewish men from Cleveland, Ohio would have adopted the term for their own use. While many assume Superman is merely a work of science fiction, I do not believe this to be the case. I too grew up amid all the movies (the first film starring Christopher Reeve came out the year after I was born), cartoons, and TV shows, believing the Man of Steel to be nothing more than a slightly stale and out-dated comic book hero. However, after watching various episodes of Smallville, a very different interpretation of the American icon began to impress itself upon me.

As nonsensical or offensive as some people might think this to be, the tale of Superman represents an allegory of another well-known supernatural, extra-terrestrial being: Satan.

Before delving into some of the more specific correlations, and often glaring similarities, between these two legendary immortals, there is an important point which needs to be made regarding the nature of angels. Angels are extra-dimensional and other-worldly travellers who make infrequent appearances throughout the Bible and other related texts. They usually do not have wings, and they almost always appear just like men. The Seraphim and Cherubim are the only two celestial orders consistently described in the Bible which bear wings. While most angeaologies consider both orders to be angels, the highest orders in fact, neither the Old nor New Testaments refer to them as such. But this is really just a semantic argument that needn't be fully addressed here. Anyway, the English word angel is derived from the Greek angelos which simply means messenger, as does the Hebrew mal'ach, which is used in the Torah, the prophets, and other Hebrew writings. (2) These terms can be used to indicate human or divine beings. Many times the humans with whom angels communicate are not even aware of it until the supernatural visitors perform some act obviously beyond the capability of mere mortals. After closely examining all the Biblical references, I was forced to conclude that there is no overwhelming distinction between angels and what modern mythology refers to as aliens. Both are extra-terrestrial, and both seem to exhibit powers and/or technology beyond what might traditionally be considered human. Now, Satan, if standard Christian doctrine is correct, is a fallen angel, while Kal-El, or Superman, is a stranded, immigrant alien.

Objections may arise as angels are said to dwell in heaven while aliens inhabit the supposedly innumerable worlds located in the vast reaches of space. But again, the only difference between the concepts of heaven and space lie in the minds of people who refuse to acknowledge the simple facts. Both exist above and outside the earth, and both are impossible to visit for the majority of living human beings on this planet. Even now, after thirty-some years of manned space-flight, it still requires the pinnacle of human technology, and the availability of monumental resources, to even consider such undertakings. We haven't been to the moon in over thirty years according to official sources. Moreover, space remains extremely dangerous. It is a notoriously hostile environment; the slightest mistake or malfunction can bring about instantaneous death for even the most well-trained astronaut. So, heavenly realms and intergalactic space, not that different, right? Okay then, hopefully that matter is settled, and we can move on to Krypton.

As most of us know, Kal-El's homeworld, Krypton, was completely obliterated due to a nuclear reaction at its core, which resulted in the infant Kryptonian's emergency flight to earth. Now, some theorize that the asteroid belt in our solar system was created when a large, terrestrial planet located between Mars and Jupiter (often referred to as Astera/Astara) exploded some time in the past. (3) It's possible that this same cataclysm was also responsible for the destruction of the Red Planet's atmosphere and its civilization. Satan may also be connected with Mars and Astera, depending on one's interpretation of certain Old Testament books such as Ezekiel. Ezekiel states in chapter 28, verse 14 that the former anointed cherub, Satan, "walked up and down in the midst of the stones of fire". It's not a very far stretch of the imagination to connect "the stones of fire" with planets. Please examine the following verses for more details:

Ezekiel 28:15-17 15 Thou wast perfect in thy ways from the day that thou wast created, till iniquity was found in thee. 16 By the multitude of thy merchandise they have filled the midst of thee with violence, and thou hast sinned: therefore I will cast thee as profane out of the mountain of God: and I will destroy thee, O covering cherub, from the midst of the stones of fire. 17 Thine heart was lifted up because of thy beauty, thou hast corrupted thy wisdom by reason of thy brightness: I will cast thee to the ground (Hebrew 'eretz is also often translated as land or earth), I will lay thee before kings, that they may behold thee.

So Satan may have ruled a physical civilization spanning Mars, Astara, and perhaps several moons as well. But he rebelled against his God and King, and was cast to the earth along with a third of the Heavenly Host (See Revelation 12:4).

The aforementioned information thus allows us to have a much clearer understanding of the scenario presented in Smallville 1961. While I don't disagree with Chloe about the possibility of genetic memory being stored in the DNA, I don't accept that this was necessarily true in Clark’s case. I believe it to be more likely that Jor-El and Kal-El are one person, not father and son. Here's how it works:

I. Jor-El is Satan. II. The father who exiled Jor-El/Satan to earth is actually the Father, as in Yahweh, the God of the Bible. III. Jor-El/Satan returns to space to continue the "War in Heaven" (See Revelation 12:7).. IV. In order to eventually assume the role of Anti-Christ, Satan devises a seemingly foolproof plan. Just as Yahweh/God limited himself in power when He assumed the form of Jesus/the Christ, Satan formulates a a similar device. He clones himself and denies this clone access to certain segments of his memory and powers. This way he will more easily deceive humans into believing that he is a righteous savior rather than evil incarnate. But he makes messages and recordings beforehand which will remind him of certain things at planned intervals. This will enable him to develop in the most ideal way in order to fit the role of the Christ more perfectly. V. Satan and his angels are defeated in the heavenly realms, Mars and Astera/Krypton is destroyed as a result. Satan transfers his consciousness/spirit from Jor-El to the infant clone, Kal-El and rockets off toward earth.

As additional support for this concept, let us explore the meanings of the principal character's names belonging to the Superman mythos:

Clark - Old English - Clergyman or learned man (4)

Kent - Welsh - Bright white, white or bright (5). Another interesting possible derivation of this name is from the Biblical Kenites (first mentioned in Genesis 15:19 as enemies of Israel), who may have been descended from Cain (for in Hebrew Cain is more accurately transliterated as Qayin, and Kenites as Qayini. Adding an "i" to the end of a name in Hebrew indicates the people or descendants of that personage. Israel/Israeli, Qayin/Qayini. See the pattern?) (6)

Kal-El - Can be translated as destruction or completion of God in Hebrew (or possibly 'all that is God/totality of God'). (7) El is the Hebrew word for God.*

Jor-El - J is actually pronounced Y (the letter Yod) in Hebrew. Possible translations are: Yare'-el - fear of God, Yarah-El - God teaches, taught of God, Yeru-El - God is a foundation, Yeri-El - founded of God; God will see. (8)

Krypton/Kryptonite - From the Greek words krypto - To hide; kryptos - hidden unseen, secret; krypte - hidden place (9)

Lex - Latin for law (Just in case 'Lex' is actually short for Alexander, Alexander is Greek for leader of men, alex (leader) + ander (men).10

Luthor (Luther) - Teutonic- famous warrior/ famous in war

Old German - Warring ones

German - warrior/famous people?. Martin Luther was a Catholic monk and theologian turned Protestant reformer (1483-1546). (11)

*If one is inclined to doubt that Kal-El and Jor-El may actually be Hebrew names, allow me to you remind you that both Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, the original creators of Superman, were Jewish. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's highly unlikely they would give their characters Hebrew-sounding names by pure chance. (12)

There are just a few more items of interest which may possibly be connections between Kal-El and the Red Dragon/Satan. Since Superman derives his powers from the sun, that would make him a kind of 'sun god'. Satan has sometimes been compared with the sun gods of ancient mythology such as the Egyptian Ra, the Greek/Roman Apollo and the Persian Mithra. The 'infinity serpent' burned onto Clark's chest in the second season finale of Smallville is another fascinating correlation, as Satan is often recognized as being or controlling the serpent in the Garden of Eden (Genesis chapter 3), and one of his titles in Revelation (12:9) is that "that old serpent". Finally, it would be quite simple to draw a pentagram inside the five-pointed shield emblazoned on Superman's costume. Pentagrams are used in ceremonial magic and Satanism the world over. Not that such a detail is conclusive, but I just thought I'd include it for the sake of being thorough.

So what does all of this mean? The reader, of course, is free to draw his or her own conclusions But here's what I believe; Superman comics, movies, and TV shows (and everything else in between) are Satanic Propaganda. Superman is the Anti-Christ/Satan and Lex Luthor, representing Christianity, is desperately trying to defend the earth against him. As the story is told from Satan's perspective, Lex is falsely demonized and portrayed as an insane criminal. In the words of Friedrich Nietzsche from Thus Spake Zarathustra, "God is dead. I teach you the superman." This is the lie that the father of lies is eager for us all to swallow down between mouthfuls of French fries and jelly-filled breakfast pastries.

- Thyroros, December 2, 2003, Redlands, CA.

Endnotes:

1. See Friedrich Nietzsche's Biography.com
2. Information gathered by using the King James Bible (1611 Authorized Version) and The Strongest Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. James Strong, L.L.D., S.T.D. Fully Revised and Corrected by John R. Kohlenberger III and James A. Swanson. Grand Rapids Michigan. Zondervan. 2001
3. Click here for the standard line on the Asteroid Belt formation. Go here for more information on the possible link between Mars, Astara, and Satan, maybe even Venus?
4. Name definition for Clark (Any standard name/baby-name book should provide this information.)
5. Name meanings & Name origins (Any standard name/baby-name book should provide this information.)
6. See footnote 2. Most Biblical scholars don't make the connection between Cain and the Kenites. This is probably due to the long-held view that the Flood of Noah/The Great Deluge (as related in Genesis chapters 6-8) was worldwide and no one survived except Noah and his family. However, a gr owing number dispute that the Flood was regional rather than global (which is possible based on certain interpretations of the passages in Genesis), and therefore, Cain's progeny could have survived.
7. From the Strong's Concordance Hebrew Dictionary (contained within the same volume), Reference numbers 3605-3607, 3615-3617
8. From the Strong's Concordance Hebrew Dictionary (contained within the same volume), Reference numbers 3372, 3384, 3385, 3400. Incidentally, yerah is the Hebrew word for moon, ref. 3391.
9. From the Strong's Concordance Greek Dictionary (contained within the same volume), Reference numbers 2926-2928 10. (Any competent Latin-English and Greek-English dictionaries can be used to find these definitions. Also standard name/baby-name book should provide this information.) Here's a couple of websites just in case you want them. For Alexander. For Lex & another for Lex. Just for fun, here's website containing excerpts of Plutarch's Alexander the Great (who was not a good guy) bio.
11. "Luthor/Luther" name meaning.
12. "Jews are the true comic book heroes", article from the Chicago Sun Times and here's a History of Superman article from Superman.com.ar in case your interested.

End the words of Thyroros.

This article can be found at: http://www.supermanhomepage.com/comics/comics.php?topic=articles/superman-satan

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Though I’m a man of few words, I do actually have a lot to say.  I’ve covered a few things here, probably enough to think about for a while. 

It’s been said, probably many times over many years, that "the best things in life are free."  If that’s the case, then why do so many people seem to think they NEED that new Lexus, $900 purse or the 7000 square foot home?  Why do so many people feel the need to live in excess?  When did ’the little things’ stop meaning so much and become overrun with desire to posess?  Is it greed?  Is it because they lead boring lives completely void of humbling experiences?  I guess I just see so many people focused too much on material things that enhance their net worth, and not things that enhance their LIFE, their character, their entire existence.  It’s rather sad that it seems only in times of disaster are most people brought to their knees, only then do they realize how fragile we humans are.  Only then do they truly begin to value their life, just being alive, having their friends and family alive, etc.  Of course no one is perfect, and I will be the first to admit I have taken things for granted from time to time, but I try to place value on the things that I’d miss most if they were gone.  And just to clarify this, when I say ’things’ I am not referring to anything material, the things I’m referring to cannot be held in your hand, hung on your wall or parked in your garage. 

A few months ago, I was snowboarding with some friends at Whistler and I had a rather memorable experience.  While waiting in a lift line I noticed Natasza Zurek standing nearby, just minding her own business eating a granola bar.  We ended up being on the chair behind her and when we got to the top I went over to say hello.  Though I’d never met her before, I’ve read many interviews over the years and always held her in very high regard.  She seemed to think very much like I do and I’ve always admired her skills and possibly most of all, her ability to remain humble.  I introduced myself and we talked briefly about living in Canada, how much snow had fallen so far, etc.  We talked about how much fun snowboarding is and then she asked me, "Do YOU love snowboarding?" almost as if it were rare to encounter another person who felt the same way.  I said I do, and that it’s the only thing that really makes me feel alive anymore.  We went our separate ways but that question has stuck with me, and as rare as it may be to encounter someone who truly loves snowboarding, I think it’s even more uncommon to encounter someone who is so down-to-earth, realistic and humble as she is.  It seems like any day you go snowboarding there’s always some fool who think it’s okay to cut you off or snake your line because they just spun their first 540 and they’re going to be the next Shaun White.  Sorry kids, but attitude only takes you so far in life.  We need more people like Natasza.  We need more people with a true love and passion for things that no amount of money could ever buy.  It doesn’t matter if you love snowboarding, painting pictures, or watching grass grow...pour your heart into it and feel the LIFE it breathes back into you.  Feel the satisfaction of doing something yourself, or better yet, doing something for someone else.  I know this blog is going all over the place, but hang in there, I’ll get to the point eventually. 

I wore a helmet while snowboarding a few times early in the season but got out of the habit at some point, probably because I was riding so much powder and not really thinking I’d need it.   On the morning of Friday March 21st, I put my helmet on for the first time since mid December, and set out to enjoy the new snow.  It was softer and deeper than I had expected, so I made my way to the backside of the mountain to ride some steeper terrain.  To make a long story a little shorter, I was riding down a narrow (single cat width) trail, going approximately 35 mph.  There were 3-4 people about 100 feet ahead of me when I came around the last corner before the trail drops to a flatter area with a wide, slow corner.  I was moving faster than the people in front of me but they were doing their own thing and I watched the first person I’d come up upon first as they did mild carves, staying entirely on the right side of the trail.  The people in front of this person had accelerated and were much farther ahead by this time, so I saw my opportunity to make it to the flat corner without slowing down.  Right about as I got up to the person riding on the right of the trail, they made a sudden sharp left turn, right into me.  I had nowhere to go but off the trail.  The next thing I knew, I was laying in the snow, leaning downhill slightly with blood running out of my nose like a faucet and my right eye wouldn’t open all the way.  I looked back up hill to see that I apparently hit a tree, which pretty much brought me to an immediate stop.  My goggles were in my hand, though I don’t remember taking them off.  Luckily the guy who ran into me was very concerned and talked with me and we determined he was okay but I defnitely needed to get some help.  After about 10 minutes of laying there (all I wanted to do was lay there, things didn’t look right), I still couldn’t get the bleeding to stop.  At the time I didn’t know, but my goggle lenses had broken and apparently sliced me pretty good above and below the eyebrow, which also bled a lot.  We finally rode the rest of the way to the bottom of the chair, where I decided I was well enough to ride up to the top.  The second I got on the chair I realized I probably should have waited at the bottom, but it was too late to change my mind and I made it to the top alright.  When I got to the top of the chair, Ski Patrol was waiting for me.  They gave me gauze for my eyebrow and oxygen, which didn’t really seem to help.  Then they took me down in a tobaggan, and some ambulances took me to the hospital.  The end result?  My nose is broken and has been pushed to the right, my right eye is partially full of blood, ten or so stitches above the eyebrow, a few below, cheekbone broken in at least 3 places and pushed back into my face which apparently pinched off some nerves, I have no feeling whatsoever in the right side of my nose, right upper cheek/under eye and both right and left (why the LEFT side??) temples.  My jaw seems to be in the same place, but because the bones above it are broken my teeth don’t line up the way they used to.  The next day my knees hurt and it appears that I must have almost straddled the tree (good thing my board prevented this!) as both knees had huge bruises on the inside and the left knee was scraped pretty good.  Nothing permanent though, thankfully!  Other than being in a little pain, occasional dizziness, and a fair amount of discomfort I’m doing alright. 

Various people have since said to me, "That’s why you gotta wear a helmet!" and I have had to correct them, "No, you don’t understand...I WAS wearing a helmet."  I’m not exactly sure what would have happened had I not been wearing it, but I do know that you never hear much from people who hit their head on a tree while moving at 35mph and NOT wearing a helmet.  Probably because they’re in a coma, brain dead, or just plain...dead.  Without knowing how close I came to any of those results, it’s hard to say how ’lucky’ I am, but I feel pretty damn lucky!  Having several days to reflect on what happened and what could have happened, it really made me think of many things.  It makes me realize how important family and friends are, as well as allllll of the little things we do every day that we take for granted.  Everything from breathing through our nose to chewing food, being able to fall asleep comfortably or even just yawning.  I thought about all of the things I love to do, and how much I’d miss them if I were never able to do them again.  I thought how much I wish I could just go up to the mountain, ride down a ways and just sit down and look around, breathing in all the fresh air and listening to the sounds, watching my good friends having fun, etc.  It reallly made me saddd to think about losing that, among other things. 

I read an interview with Jonaven Moore in Snowboard Canada magazine recently, and I’d like to quote a few things he said because...well, because I don’t think I could have said them any better myself.  SC magazine basicly asked how he would justify or explain the risks he takes (as we all do) to someone who doesn’t know or understand why we do it.  "It really comes down to the love [you have] for something. I’ve had quite a few friends die snowboarding, and I can honestly say they were so truly in love with the mountains and the connection they found there.  We do some crazy things when we’re in love."   I couldn’t agree more.  Just look at the things people do when they are in love with anyone or anything, not just snowboarding.  We do some crazy things when we’re in love.  They also ask him about an accident he had where he broke his jaw in 4 places, and what he learned from it.  "...I went into it your average, reasonably attractive, white kid--things really don’t come much easier to you on this planet.  I woke up in the hospital and looked in the mirror at a face I didn’t even recognize.  I looked like my head should be attached to someone who weighed more than 300 pounds.  It’s come a long way since, but the aesthetics of my facial structure were downgraded on some level, and they’ll never be the same again.   We have a lot attached to the face we see in the mirror.  It is very much who we perceive ourselves to be, and I don’t think I’m being shallow by saying that s much as I’m being honest.  That one accident has taught me so much about how I look at people, what I see in people and what really matters."  What really matters.   WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

So what really matters?  A new Lexus?  That $900 purse?  The 7000 square foot home?  I may never get the feeling back in my face, and it may never look like it used to, but I’m okay with that because I do realize that I AM lucky.  I’m the lucky one!  Countless people are hurt every day, far worse than I am right now.  Some will never see again, some will never walk or talk again, some will never wake up from their sleep and some will never think clearly again.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  Be thankful for what you DO have today, and again, I’m not talking about material things.  Be thankful that you woke up this morning, and that you are able to push your own shopping cart around the store, and that you see someone extraordinarily handsome or beautiful when you look in the mirror.  Go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air and just be happy you can breathe!  And every time you do something that seems rediculously mundane, just remember that there are millions of people worldwide who can no longer do those things and would probably trade anything for one more walk through a park, one more breath of fresh air, one more look at something beautiful, one more minute with a loved one.  Someone once said that the moment we are born, we begin to die, and it’s true.  We only have so many hours, so many days to spend doing whatever it is we choose to do with our time.  Once we’re gone, we’re gone for good, and the same goes for those we love.  Money can be wasted, time can be wasted.  You can earn new money, but you can never regain wasted time.  I’m not concerned whether you agree or disagree with me, I just ask that if you happen to have read all of this that you take some time and determine what is truly important to you, what things you truly love and are passionate about.  And remember, I’m not talking about material things!!!  Watch the news someday.  Though it’s unfortunate, you’re bound to see coverage of some disaster somewhere and inevitably you’ll see people involved in it and possibly catch a glimpse of what is really important to them...and you.

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Chase:

before you tell me to get your f*cking name off my page, just read, mmkay? You may have lied, you may have lost it or however you wish to put it. But I never did. Falling in love with you was the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. It made me re-think every little thing I've ever done wrong and regretted later. It made me look at life in a new f*cking light that I always believed to be f*cking worthless and fake. And it may have been lies for you, but from me, it all came from the f*cking heart. And nothing and no one will ever f*cking take that away from me or change that. I've never let anyone in my life so quickly. But there was something about you that I fell for. It made me crack. I had almost lost you once for not opening up. See, you changed me again, I learned to trust in you. That you weren't there to hurt me, only there to listen, love, and care for me. And you gave me friends that I'll have for f*cking ever. And for that, I thank you. Because it's true, I may never have met these great f*cking kids if it weren't for you. Now, there all a major part of my life, and losing you was the hardest thing for me because I love you so f*cking much, and if I lost them too,  I'd really f*cking kill myself. Something harder than losing you, is still standing here, wishing you the best for your life, wishing happiness for you, being here if you ever need me, and being able to let you go. I'll never have you back, but I'm very ok with that. It makes me stronger, because I love you enough to give up. To just leave you alone, to be happy. And yeah, I'm struggling to leave you alone. But you know so much, and you're the only one who does. You're the only one who knows why I sleep the way I do. You're the one who understands why I hate so much, you're the only boy to listen to my heart. I love to hear you breee and laugh, and promise me forever, even if it was a lie. I love seeing your true smile, it makes me melt. You have words that can make any girl fall in love with you, I mean look at me, heh, if you didn't have those pretty f*cking words to go with your f*cking looks, I wouldn't have ever said yes. I would have walked away when I had the chance. But you know what? I don't regret any of it. And believe me when I say I don't lie to you. There's no f*cking reason to. I promise. And promises are way f*cking serious. I don't make promises I can't f*cking keep. I love you Chase, always have and always f*cking will, even if I fight with you or argue and say I f*cking hate you, don't listen, I'm only trying to make you feel bad, which never works, I don't know why I put forth that effort to try. When I promised to marry you, I meant it. Although now, on your side atleast, it's not going to happen. Everyone makes mistakes. I forgave you. For all the lies, f*cking that girl Stephanie (yeah, I found out, she told Tesla, and I asked her about it.), and for Jessika. And for everything else you may have done behind my back. You didn't f*ck up. I did. I shouldn't have ever thought that I was good enough to talk to you, I should have never made you that sign, and I defiantly should have never promised you a damn thing, let alone say yes to you. Because now, my heart is worthless, and I'm filling up with pure hate. Not just for everything I hated before, but for so much f*cking more. So whenever you're made at me, or ignoring me like you are, know how much I do love you. I have my heart written in a f*cking book to prove it. I only wish I could give it to you. And I wish you would finish the book with your side. But that's all far too much to f*cking ask from you. I know. I love you Chase Vincent Migliaccio. No matter what any f*cking bitch has to say. No matter what girl you're f*cking with, no matter how many hateful things you say to me. As I said before, nothing and no one will change my love for you. Liar, I really need you to lie some more. Because I'm losing it all. You, my friends, and now, my father is dying. I'm going to burn in hell for the shi*t I've done. But Liar, I really need you to help me. And I know you're talking shi*t about me, but liar, it's all bullshi*t to make yourself happy. I love the lies. I love you. I hope you find what it is your looking for some day, until then, i hope you make the best of this. I'm here for you. I support  you 103%. I'm just a push of a button away from you. Chase, i do love you. And care for you more then anything in my life.   I'll always love you. You mean more then anything in this Milkyway to me. Even if i can't have you, I want you in my life, everyday, for the rest of the short time i'll be here. I promised you forever. And forever, it will be. I'm a terrible f*cking person. There's a lot i wish i'd never done. Casue karma is really a f*cking bitch. Only you have the intellegence to understand me. That's why i love you. Your so f*cking real with EVERYONE. Even through all your lies. Even when your nothing but a f*cking fake. your the only boy i've evern fallen in love with. Please hold on to that tightly, and keep it close. Cause i will never love anyone else the way i loved you. You may feel completly different then i do, i mean, you said it already, you hate me. But i really don't f*cking care. I love you. Always have. And always will. Forever Chase Vincent Migliaccio. No matter what happens, who your with, what you say or what you do. Nothing will change that love i have for you.

Forever. Promise.

"Don't let go
You're so blind!
You can't save me this time
Hope comes from inside
And I feel so low tonight
If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs
I wish you could see
This face in front of me
You're sorry you swear it you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs."

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The ashes of the fallen,

Settle at our feet.

We walk over the dead,

The pieces of meat.

A warm quiet breeze,

A red sun glows.

Eyes glazed over,

Yet no one knows.

The lives end,

The battle goes on.

So many dead,

The fights never done.

The birds don’t sing,

No kids around.

On days like this,

There is no sound.

The lonely souls,

Wandering alone.

The surviving few,

Are on their own.

Their lives spared,

Their friends’ lives lost.

Tear filled eyes,

Like seeing a ghost.

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Restless nights,
Waking up sweating,
Disturbing dreams,
Heartbeat thumping.
Running for my life,
Never looking back,
Aimlessly wandering,
Never looking back.
My heart rate settles,
Slows itself down,
The faces in my dreams,
Every one, frowns.
Everything is empty,
Everything is dim,
Nothing feels right,
Everything is grim.
Turning around seems,
Like something I must do,
Face my fears and fight,
A battle I cannot lose.
I finally turn to see what I fear,
I find an angel, fallen and weak.
She’s the angel of my nightmares,
The angel I seek.
She’s beautiful, she’s perfect,
But she’s only a dream.
She’s everything I ever wanted,
But she’s only a dream.
Will she ever be real?
Ever be someone I can hold?
Will I ever find her?
Or will I forever be cold?

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It's amazing, really,

just how much pain the

human heart can take.

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well... here goes. It was just a couple of really crappy days that started out terrible and gradually moved from bad to worse. On Saturday July 14th we left the port of Valdez AK to travel to Esther Island to fill our fishhold with 55,000 pounds of Chum Salmon and take the entire load down to Seward AK to off-load them. Traveling to Esther Island we stopped in the middle of a bunch of Ice-bergs to fill up our fish hold with cold water so we wouldn't have to chill it so much on the trip (salmon need to be kept at 32 degrees for preservation) though our plan didn't work and the tempertature of the water there was the same as everywhere else. I did manage to grab a piece and had a Orange Sunkist chilled with 10,000 year old ice, neat huh? we then traveled to Esther Island and arrived at our destination at about 1 a.m. (because I took a short-cut while I was on wheel watch, saved us maybe half an hour to an hour) where we immediately began the frantic challenge of trying to fill our fish hold. After making a number of sets that were probably over 100,000 each and mananging to lose all but a few thousand pounds the day was starting off to a very bad start, we fished for 12 hours straight and couldn't manage to fill our 55,000 tank, at about 1 pm we took a few hour break to get some sleep and eat a little and then made one more set. My captain was pissed because we weren't trying very hard (i thought i was trying really hard but apparently it didn't show) and so we gave up and headed to Seward with the approximate 45-50,000 that we had managed to catch. Since my captain was upset with me he didn't bother to wake me up to take wheel watch on the drive down there (so he'd been up and working and driving for 24-30 hours about). When I woke up at 1 am on monday morning i grabbed a snack and went up into the wheel-house to ask if he wanted me to take over. He was already asleep and the boat was traveling on auto-pilot, fortunately (i guess) we hadn't hit anything since he'd fallen asleep (which probably hadn't been very long (5-10 minutes at most)) so i just sat in the chair and took over driving responsibilities. He awoke a short time later and told me that if I was gonna be up anyway that he'd go to bed so I told him "ok". After about an hour or a little more of driving and petting his dog Milo (who was enjoying my lap very much) I looked out the port window (left side) and noticed a black cloud just visible above the window, throwing Milo off my lap i opened the wheel-house door and looked at the smokestack where black smoke was billowing out of it. I ran back to the control and slowed the boat down into neutral. That action (and my voice) woke my captain and I told him what I saw, without waiting for instruction I climbed down to the main cabin and threw open the engine room hatch and black smoke poured out of it consuming my entire visual field. I climbed back up to the wheel house and reported to my captain (Randy) that the entire engine room was filled with black smoke. He told me to get Milo as he climbed down to the main cabin to try to investigate. He also asked me where the other crewmembers were and I replied that I assumed they're still in bed. He woke them up and climbed back into the wheel house. I asked if I should turn the engine off but he said "No! Get the survival suits and get in the skiff." (the skiff is this smaller boat we use for fishing) The suits were right there in the wheel house in a cupboard so I immediately threw open the cupboard door and started throwing the survival suits out the wheel house door. My crewmate Nathan assumed I was still in bed and hadn't woken up yet so he ran back inside to find me, my other crewmate (also named Daniel) yelled to him that I was up stairs and ok. I jumped from the wheel house level to the deck after getting all the survival suits out to start taking them to the skiff. Very much fortunately I had tied a safety line to the skiff while we were traveling (the main tow line had come undone and we for sure would've lost it without that safety line attached) Randy attempted to make a "Mayday" call on the VHF radio to the coast guard but had a very difficult time of it because he couldn't breath from all the black smoke, even though he was hanging out the window of the wheel house. We all then ran to the skiff which i had to pull in because it was drifting a few feet behind us. Randy then asked me where my hand-held VHF radio was that I'd been using earlier that day to communicate with Randy while we were fishing, I replied that it was still inside the boat hanging on the coat hanger, he told me it'd be a very good thing to have. There's a Panel right next to the door where the exhaust pipe runs up and out of the engine room, that had already begun to have flames coming out of the bottom of it. I ran in anyway and slipped on the engine room hatch that I had left open and because I had wet socks now. I fell into the engine room and panic kinda took over. I immediately grabbed a hold of whatever I could and climbed out of the engine room as fast as I could for fear of getting burnt (the smoke was so thick I have no idea where the fire was) I grabbed the handheld VHF radio and ran back outside and tripped on the seine (our net) on the way to the skiff but I assume the scratches on my knee are from when I fell into the engine room. My crewmate Daniel had noticed we didn't have any signal flares so he ran back into the wheel house (which was completely filled with black smoke) and grabbed them and came back to the skiff. we then untied from the Miss Carroll and drove about 50-100 feet away. Randy (using the hand-held VHF) began talking to the Coast Guard again (who had heard his attempted Mayday before) and began trying to give them coordinates for where we were. Since I was on wheel watch I tried to help but I hadn't really taken note of where we were from any specific land marks. Randy told us we should all be aware of pnemonia and to put on our survival suits, I was already getting cold from my wet socks anyway so we all did. we drifted around the burning vessel, watching it burn, along with everything all of us owned. Our dreams for a good fishing season vanishing along with everything else tangible. Though we were all very lucky to be alive. The Barwell is a larger vessel that we use as a tender for our regular salmon fishing, I'm guessing it was probably about 10 miles behind us and headed our way, with the help of the coast guard and the fact that he could see the large flame from the boat he headed straight for us and picked us up after only maybe an hour or so. We were all in and out of sleep (we were dead tired from the previous day despite the excitement) though none of us slept well. it took maybe 3-4 hours for the ride into Seward. The Barwell fed us breakfast (though Randy said there was no way he could eat). Randy's sister Shila had been contacted and met us in Seward, where she drove us to a shop and bought us shoes and jackets so we wouldn't have to wear our survival suits anymore. Now I'm in Homer AK waiting. waiting for a check, waiting for things to move on, we had to take drug tests for the coast guard, and have a phone meeting with the insurance people. We also had to make a list of everything we lost and estimate its monetary value. Which none of us enjoyed at all... thinking about everything we'd lost in detail. I imagine I'll head up to Valdez again and try to get on another fishing boat and finish out the season, there's still money to be made and I'm missing out on it, and I need it now more than ever. This is my story. The End.

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