Read if you want... I was high on Rockstar when I typed this out. So that is why none of it will most likely make sense.
you know what...
I've been thinking... I know surprising eh ? haha shut up.
What would life have been like if everything was different ? I don't mean like absolutely everything or else I would be named Wolf, and most likely wouldn't be in the situation I am in currently, I'd already be out on the streets saving people. but here is what I mean, what if certain things in my life were strategically different. Well there is the absolutely obvious, school choices, what I did at school, or the lack thereof. But what I am specifically talking about was when I was living @ 88 Culver Crescent in London.
So there was 2 of the 5 that moved in earlier than the rest. You would think that we would be like having dinner together, lunch whatever. But for some messed up reason, we really never did? Which looking back at it now could be because the other half wanted it her way or no way. But that is how she was brought up so there was nothing I really could do to combat that. So that could be why we were two completely different functions items. But now that I am looking back, it really bothers me. It honestly does. Like I could not imagine how much better it could have been if everything could have just been more pleasant in the first couple weeks leading up to signing the lease and then the following weeks of move in days/time. All of the emotional convo's that we did have just me and her either sitting in my room and just chatting for hours, or sitting in her room on the bed drunk off our asses, or me sitting on the stairs and just shooting the shi*t, why could those experiences happen, but we could not just get together and have a meal ? I mean, me and her were the original 2 that would chill in Pre-Health, and then in Residence. But back to the whole meal thing. How many things would have changed if only we got together for meals. Guidelines might have been easier to be set (None were set in reality). When dinner would roll around, I would eat upstairs, she would downstairs. but why ? duh, the confrontations. It was just weird, flipping back and forth. How many confrontations never would have happened if only we ate together once and a while. Only in the final months were we "sorta" closer. We gathered around Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll. Yes I watched it and called them all whores. and yes I cheered for Chelsea to win, or the other girl to win, oh well. I know I am not normal, shut it!
I know I also have been talking in circles, but it happens once and a while... and I mean the Rockstar obviously is helping this haha. Let's see. then there was the girl. What was I thinking... and since I am posting this on Deviantart, Fb, Snowboard colonies, along with a couple other places, sooner or later she will prolly read this, if she admits it or not. Was it a right choice, at that point I thought it was because she looked like one of the girls on my brothers baseball team that I, in the simplest terms, adored. This girl was just stunning in my young eyes, and since I knew I never had a chance with this girl since I was so young, I averted my eyes to this new girl, that as I saw it looked like her. and I mean being with her for as long as I did, I don't even see the likeness at all anymore. But I did at the time. oh well. I wouldn't call my life ruined from her, but my life didn't get much easier when she was around. I did enjoy her company, because I never had someone who I could go to that wasn't my mom or brother. Sorry to myself, but it's the truth. I have never had someone whom I could just talk to and let everything go, I could laugh with, talk to for hours about nothing, just sit and say nothing, or play video games and actually not have to teach the person how to play, they would just try and really wasn't that bad. Not better than me, a durr, I couldn't have that now could I ? yeah I didn't think so either haha. So yeah, I never have had someone like that that wasn't blood, and I was at that time, glad I did have it. Wow Rockstar works eh ? haha. I am shaking... Although it could be from the coldness of the room. Back to her. So shi*t was alright, I felt like the protector, and I really liked this new power. and Since she will prolly find this sooner or later (I hope) here goes the big secrets. The friend I said that I argued with about you, and I said that I lost touch with because I didn't like what she was saying about her, never happened. There was no arguement between my good friends back in good ol' St.C. If there was, no girl comes before my friends, sorry, My friends come first, especially the person I was saying I lost touch with. I mean yeah, we do butt heads once and a while when I think she needs to go to College or know that some of her choices are stupid, but shi*t happens, and we have (hopefully) gotten past that past instances. back to the girl. There was a conversation with my one roommate about her though, while I was still in res. I talked to the one guy, and he told me to get out because obviously I wasn't happy. a year later... I didn't listen to him obviously. But time happens. Next, I never wanted you to meet my friends, why people would most likely ask... because in my eyes at least at that time, I thought you were good enough for me, but you would never be good enough for my friends. I know it doesn't make any sense that you would be good enough for me, but not them. I was just I guess embarassed to show them that I had in fact found something out in the "REAL WORLD" that I enjoyed. In the back of my head the entire time I knew I should have been with someone more "fit" or "athletic" maybe a volleyball player or something like that... you people reading this understand right ? The typical girl. Someone who I could take home and be like see, she is my girl, not.... bring someone home and be see, here she is, not here is MY GIRL. just here SHE IS... Obviously this is pig headed of me and I realize this. But for some reason still beyond me, I wanted some sort of companionship. I guess I got that from her ? Don't know about her since she doesn't write like I do, like this for example. Which is really another reason why we don't talk now. She can't talk, it is like a permanent tongue cut... make sense ? not trying to make that a jab at you if you are still reading this. You just could never communicate with me in your own "heart" and "feelings". they were always someone else's feelings or thoughts.
Which brings me to paragraph 3. EVERYONE ELSE'S FEELINGS. wow my hands are cold. keep going. no more Rockstar tonight. It was never you and I, and I think that was one of the problems we had. Since you couldn't say what you thought, at least as much when you would, I would shut you down and make everything you said look wrong. My linguistics did that and I apologize, not like it helped. Back to the topic. Since you couldn't say what you thought and felt, you went to surrounding passers-by, who divulged into lives and lurked for too long for me to be comfortable. Those passers-by were your voice. Wow. I never should have taken that long of a break. My brain isn't in the same mindset anymore. Ok Let’s try this again… Rob Zombie will help me now. So as I was saying, your passers-by were your voice and as I saw it, they were you. I was not with you, I was with them and had to deal with them because you refused to live your life, you let others do it for you, and thus up to that point that is exactly what got you by. With that said. Where is she going now ? Well since she is back in the home city, she has been manipulated from what I thought I had created to keep the head on straight and possibly create an own person. I was wrong, they have sucked the life out of you. You are finished for life now till you finally break away and find out that these people are telling you what to do, what to think. When you were in your first yrs of college, you couldn’t bugger off to other provinces, but what a freakin’ surprise, the second you are forced back to your home city, now you are being spoon-fed bullshat! That’s right BULL-SHAT ! You have been shown that as long as you dwell under the home city, the world is yours and you have no problems or worries. “Just don’t ever leave or we will disown you and leave you for dead on the side of the street” “We don’t care what you think, because you are useless to the world, and will amount to nothing… why is that you ask? Well you aren’t allowed to ask questions, so shut the fack up and get back into your overcrowded room and sit till we tuck you in for bed.”
Wow that felt good to get out FINALLY. So you can think what you want from that, but isn’t it funny that you “lost all feelings for me as soon as you slinked back to the home city ?” yeah, that’s what I thought too. The brainwashing and hand-feeding has commenced. I guarantee with everything that is holy, that if you were in any other city but the current one, you would still not be “over me”. And why is that, because you don’t know who you are, so you rely on other people to tell you what to say and what to think. Isn’t it surprising that when you were living in the house, and had temporarily lost contact with the reliers, that you were HAPPY, you were enjoying life, you had an honest fun time. I don’t think you can deny that. There were obvious rough patches, but those were because of situations at the house, or your reliers trying to wedge back into the situation and I got frustrated when you were letting them (Calling them every single night and filling them in on daily occurances)… What are you going to do when they finally pass ? who are you going to call then ? one of your other reliers and spill to them. Where will you live ? Since they like the younger half more than you, Younger will have the house. And we all know younger won’t want you hanging around.
You know that you need to get away. I know you do. But unfortunately you will never be able to see this until you stop listening to background noises and see what YOU REALLY WANT. Not what everyone else has told you you want to hear and do.
So this was fun. I got a lot out. No clue why this all came up, but it did. Kinda for some reason just pissed me off. Damn people randomly getting on my nerves for no reason haha.
Peace all. This is a good 2000 words to read… I will try and drowned out the harassers in my head and the paranoia that now exhausts my life. I will stick to my 100% exams and 93% essays. See I can write and I know how to write. Go me!
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