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you know what...

I've been thinking... I know surprising eh ? haha shut up.

What would life have been like if everything was different ? I don't mean like absolutely everything or else I would be named Wolf, and most likely wouldn't be in the situation I am in currently, I'd already be out on the streets saving people. but here is what I mean, what if certain things in my life were strategically different. Well there is the absolutely obvious, school choices, what I did at school, or the lack thereof. But what I am specifically talking about was when I was living @ 88 Culver Crescent in London.

So there was 2 of the 5 that moved in earlier than the rest. You would think that we would be like having dinner together, lunch whatever. But for some messed up reason, we really never did? Which looking back at it now could be because the other half wanted it her way or no way. But that is how she was brought up so there was nothing I really could do to combat that. So that could be why we were two completely different functions items. But now that I am looking back, it really bothers me. It honestly does. Like I could not imagine how much better it could have been if everything could have just been more pleasant in the first couple weeks leading up to signing the lease and then the following weeks of move in days/time. All of the emotional convo's that we did have just me and her either sitting in my room and just chatting for hours, or sitting in her room on the bed drunk off our asses, or me sitting on the stairs and just shooting the shi*t, why could those experiences happen, but we could not just get together and have a meal ? I mean, me and her were the original 2 that would chill in Pre-Health, and then in Residence. But back to the whole meal thing. How many things would have changed if only we got together for meals. Guidelines might have been easier to be set (None were set in reality). When dinner would roll around, I would eat upstairs, she would downstairs. but why ? duh, the confrontations. It was just weird, flipping back and forth. How many confrontations never would have happened if only we ate together once and a while. Only in the final months were we "sorta" closer. We gathered around Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll. Yes I watched it and called them all whores. and yes I cheered for Chelsea to win, or the other girl to win, oh well. I know I am not normal, shut it!

I know I also have been talking in circles, but it happens once and a while... and I mean the Rockstar obviously is helping this haha. Let's see. then there was the girl. What was I thinking... and since I am posting this on Deviantart, Fb, Snowboard colonies, along with a couple other places, sooner or later she will prolly read this, if she admits it or not. Was it a right choice, at that point I thought it was because she looked like one of the girls on my brothers baseball team that I, in the simplest terms, adored. This girl was just stunning in my young eyes, and since I knew I never had a chance with this girl since I was so young, I averted my eyes to this new girl, that as I saw it looked like her. and I mean being with her for as long as I did, I don't even see the likeness at all anymore. But I did at the time. oh well. I wouldn't call my life ruined from her, but my life didn't get much easier when she was around. I did enjoy her company, because I never had someone who I could go to that wasn't my mom or brother. Sorry to myself, but it's the truth. I have never had someone whom I could just talk to and let everything go, I could laugh with, talk to for hours about nothing, just sit and say nothing, or play video games and actually not have to teach the person how to play, they would just try and really wasn't that bad. Not better than me, a durr, I couldn't have that now could I ? yeah I didn't think so either haha. So yeah, I never have had someone like that that wasn't blood, and I was at that time, glad I did have it. Wow Rockstar works eh ? haha. I am shaking... Although it could be from the coldness of the room. Back to her. So shi*t was alright, I felt like the protector, and I really liked this new power. and Since she will prolly find this sooner or later (I hope) here goes the big secrets. The friend I said that I argued with about you, and I said that I lost touch with because I didn't like what she was saying about her, never happened. There was no arguement between my good friends back in good ol' St.C. If there was, no girl comes before my friends, sorry, My friends come first, especially the person I was saying I lost touch with. I mean yeah, we do butt heads once and a while when I think she needs to go to College or know that some of her choices are stupid, but shi*t happens, and we have (hopefully) gotten past that past instances. back to the girl. There was a conversation with my one roommate about her though, while I was still in res. I talked to the one guy, and he told me to get out because obviously I wasn't happy. a year later... I didn't listen to him obviously. But time happens. Next, I never wanted you to meet my friends, why people would most likely ask... because in my eyes at least at that time, I thought you were good enough for me, but you would never be good enough for my friends. I know it doesn't make any sense that you would be good enough for me, but not them. I was just I guess embarassed to show them that I had in fact found something out in the "REAL WORLD" that I enjoyed. In the back of my head the entire time I knew I should have been with someone more "fit" or "athletic" maybe a volleyball player or something like that... you people reading this understand right ? The typical girl. Someone who I could take home and be like see, she is my girl, not.... bring someone home and be see, here she is, not here is MY GIRL. just here SHE IS... Obviously this is pig headed of me and I realize this. But for some reason still beyond me, I wanted some sort of companionship. I guess I got that from her ? Don't know about her since she doesn't write like I do, like this for example. Which is really another reason why we don't talk now. She can't talk, it is like a permanent tongue cut... make sense ? not trying to make that a jab at you if you are still reading this. You just could never communicate with me in your own "heart" and "feelings". they were always someone else's feelings or thoughts.

Which brings me to paragraph 3. EVERYONE ELSE'S FEELINGS. wow my hands are cold. keep going. no more Rockstar tonight. It was never you and I, and I think that was one of the problems we had. Since you couldn't say what you thought, at least as much when you would, I would shut you down and make everything you said look wrong. My linguistics did that and I apologize, not like it helped. Back to the topic. Since you couldn't say what you thought and felt, you went to surrounding passers-by, who divulged into lives and lurked for too long for me to be comfortable. Those passers-by were your voice. Wow. I never should have taken that long of a break. My brain isn't in the same mindset anymore. Ok Let’s try this again… Rob Zombie will help me now. So as I was saying, your passers-by were your voice and as I saw it, they were you. I was not with you, I was with them and had to deal with them because you refused to live your life, you let others do it for you, and thus up to that point that is exactly what got you by. With that said. Where is she going now ? Well since she is back in the home city, she has been manipulated from what I thought I had created to keep the head on straight and possibly create an own person. I was wrong, they have sucked the life out of you. You are finished for life now till you finally break away and find out that these people are telling you what to do, what to think. When you were in your first yrs of college, you couldn’t bugger off to other provinces, but what a freakin’ surprise, the second you are forced back to your home city, now you are being spoon-fed bullshat! That’s right BULL-SHAT ! You have been shown that as long as you dwell under the home city, the world is yours and you have no problems or worries. “Just don’t ever leave or we will disown you and leave you for dead on the side of the street” “We don’t care what you think, because you are useless to the world, and will amount to nothing… why is that you ask? Well you aren’t allowed to ask questions, so shut the fack up and get back into your overcrowded room and sit till we tuck you in for bed.”

Wow that felt good to get out FINALLY.  So you can think what you want from that, but isn’t it funny that you “lost all feelings for me as soon as you slinked back to the home city ?” yeah, that’s what I thought too. The brainwashing and hand-feeding has commenced. I guarantee with everything that is holy, that if you were in any other city but the current one, you would still not be “over me”. And why is that, because you don’t know who you are, so you rely on other people to tell you what to say and what to think. Isn’t it surprising that when you were living in the house, and had temporarily lost contact with the reliers, that you were HAPPY, you were enjoying life, you had an honest fun time. I don’t think you can deny that. There were obvious rough patches, but those were because of situations at the house, or your reliers trying to wedge back into the situation and I got frustrated when you were letting them (Calling them every single night and filling them in on daily occurances)… What are you going to do when they finally pass ? who are you going to call then ? one of your other reliers and spill to them. Where will you live ? Since they like the younger half more than you, Younger will have the house. And we all know younger won’t want you hanging around.
You know that you need to get away. I know you do. But unfortunately you will never be able to see this until you stop listening to background noises and see what YOU REALLY WANT. Not what everyone else has told you you want to hear and do.

So this was fun. I got a lot out. No clue why this all came up, but it did. Kinda for some reason just pissed me off. Damn people randomly getting on my nerves for no reason haha.

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            I remember watching A Knight's Tale recently, and seeing Ledger before he became A-List famous. He looked eager and young, but you could see that he was really trying to capture a decent performance, and he succeeded. You see the same thing in the Mel Gibson film The Patriot, Ledger bringing depth to what could have been a shallow, one note characted. Ten Things I Hate About You? Same exact thing.

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MY PROBLEM IS NO PROBLEM

Alan Perry

FIRST A SHORT ESSAY

A problem in one’s thinking or living can be magnified when thought about too much. Lamenting mistakes and accepting that one will make more blunders heavily affect self-image. Because this is a part of my personal philosophy my main problem is denying I have any issues. My way of life is perfect for my mindset. Anyone who tells me otherwise is the colonial English in Africa. However prizing my judgment over that of all others sometimes gets me in trouble. It is important that I learn to value the opinions of others as much as my own beliefs. In the meantime I will just forget that I sometimes discredit other people and it might stop.  

Self-fulfilling prophecies make up one’s life. When one talks or thinks about one’s self he or she paints a picture of personality. People with low self-esteem often talk about how many problems they have. Telling another person that one has an issue allows that problem to become part of the picture. People with drug problems worry all the time that they are dependent on substances. Possibly just through concern over a problem one is more drawn to the issue. If I sat around all day worrying that I have trouble getting work done I would have never completed this essay. Sadly because I thought I could just write this up in a jiffy I may of overlooked something. Those who believe they are always in the right make more mistakes then the truly self-conscious. Because I rarely ask for help or clarity I did not know if this essay required any examples from other writings. Some people scream when they see spiders or tell people they have problems peeing. My big problem is that if this essay is without a bibliography it might receive less credit. However because my words are all my own I really should be in the clear.

My only problem is I have very few self-proclaimed problems. Some people acknowledge their problems and find they repeat mistakes regardless. I try not to ask for help because I do not want to be dependant on it. Not having much help opens the door for creativity but it can cause blunders as well. In school my ability to take direction overshadows my ability to take directions and I go without guidelines. Creative environments thrive on this kind of thinking. However, in a capitalist society such an ideology is social suicide (Or so you would think)

Now The Real Story

The answer to my problem resides within the thought that my ideology is social suicide. Until my eighteenth birthday on June 16^th 2007 my ideas were simply the ideas of a confused teenager. However, now it is important that I speak only what I know to be true and not what I think might be going on. A personal statement was asked of me when I applied to university and I wrote the truth. What I did not know was that this personal statement was not sent by the University but by the RCMP. I only know this now because I have come to terms with my past in the last three days. If my days at UPEI were the final puzzle pieces in what investigators would call the most elaborate sting in the history of man I give the administration kudos on it’s fine work. Most of the allegations against me are those of the people who would not like to be implicated. Another whole bunch of allegations are myths, unless I have video evidence I cannot imagine doing any of the things people have taken from me in points of weakness and delusion. People I wanted to be mentored by never took me seriously because I thought I was normal. When I was attending Master’s Academy all I knew was that people didn’t like me even though they didn’t know me. I could never get a strait answer so I made up a very bad persona. Now I had something to work myself back from so that maybe people would accept me. Of coarse people pretended to accept this like people had pretended to accept me for my entire life. I have no idea how long it took me to go from Junior High to high school. I remember writing the tests but being unsure about the answers, but somehow I passed. The movies I like are all movies about a stranger who did not fit in society. My all time favorite movie is an Adam Sandler movie about a young man who never went to school and when he wanted to go he was sent knowingly into an environment that he was not accepted in. But when people would ask me why I liked the movie I could never come up with an answer. My parents always told me they didn’t like Adam Sandler, but they could not produce a tangible explanation either. 

My only memory of kindergarten is being able to count higher than all the other kids. In grade one I could not understand why I thought girls were so interesting when everybody else hated them. I was in choir and enjoyed it but people told me I was gay and crazy and I thought it was because I wanted to sing. I never wanted to be a singer, or a trained money making machine but I was defiantly indoctrinated with those ideas. I never understood why my teachers would take me out of class and tell me about all my potential. I did not even understand what the word meant. All I know is that I lived with my parents Brien and Peggy who loved me so much it seemed like a joke. Paranoia was and still is my reality. Of coarse my parents have been asked if what I say is true and they look at you with horribly sad eyes and deny it. It’s the same way I have glared gloomily into the eyes of the people in this world who have lied to me. This puppy dog eye look had become a common thing in today’s youth because it gets them what they want. I always knew a man could not do such things and get away with it but I was young and able to make mistakes. I remember know my parents asking me if I wanted to meet Samual L. Jackson. I refused at the time because I thought he was just coming to Calgary to see if what people said about me was true. Of coarse when I actually did meet him I was scarred because my parents took me on what I thought was a birthday dinner. Of coarse Samual L. Jackson was there, sitting close to our table, most likely with ears as open as can be. I just walked right up to him and told him that I thought he was a great man. When he heard me say that I liked him in pulp fiction one of the women with him cried out “lame!”. I quickly thought to change my approach because it was obvious my current one was not right. So I told Mr. Jackson that his performance in Star Wars was better, how could I? Oh it was easy, I had just been re-brainwashed into believing I was going for my birthday lunch. 

I am going to walk back to UPEI now but I will probably be picked up on the way. They will kill me in prison it’s all over TV, at first I had to be indoctrinated with the great Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, They made me believe I was really getting an education. People laughed at me when I said I was going to UPEI but I thought it was because it was not a respected school. But no, it is a respected school because it is supposed to be the place that brought the dangerous criminal Alan Perry to Justice. If you are reading this I am most likely dead or waiting to stand trial.  Sadly because I have relized this finally they probably won't give me a trial. 

I will never drink or do drugs again no matter what a drill sergeant or a Nazi, Darwinist, Rapist, Policeman says or does to me. You have broke my spirit by feeding me false kindness good work gentlemen. 

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IINTERNATIONAL GO SKATE DAY IS JUNE 21

"On June 21 skateboarders around the globe will celebrate the pure exhilaration, creativity, and spirit of one of the most influential activities in the world by blowing off all other obligations to go skateboarding!"

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on saturday me connor carly mariah allie monty and jessica and some other girl i dont member her name went and saw stick it and the whole hyde park gym team was there haha and me n allie did flips in the back hallway, fun. and connor kept undoing my belt =) hah hes cuutee. but yah yesterday pretty much sucked. i have a d in math tears. then spanish we made godseyes and im a retard cuz it took me forever to figure out haha and then english and F omg i was flipping out but now i have an A =) it was cuz of my stupid compare/contrast essay. and well gym blahblah dont even care anymore foreal. and i stayed after to talk to mrs murrell and allie and cara and ashley stayed to and we just chilled after. and today i walked down to udf with connor and reed and ashton and i had to go to tennis which sucked hard cuz ppl werent there so it wasnt fun =/ my throat hurts really baddd!

<3

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writing essays is stupid. i wonder if i turn in the same one a second time ... if my teacher will notice. two more weeks of school and then off to australia and fiji.

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