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Well, last time I posted on here, I called on volunteers for an experiment to verify the validity of the statement that “forking is better than spooning”. Reviewing various literature (usually hidden behind the cardboard on the top rack of the magazine stand) and peers, there is much evidence to support this notion. Additionally it was suggested that “spooning” often leads to “forking” (thanks Joe). So this mysterious philosophic postulate found on the garment care tag of my Westbeach jacket seems to be well supported but not yet empirically verified. Even though supporting evidence is being discovered daily, the nature of research is such that the more questions are answered, the more questions need to be answered. So the following is a report documenting the progress of this latest useless research endeavour.

This past weekend, I purchased a new pair of Westbeach snowboarding pants. West 49 was having a “Going out of Winter” sale, my trusty Quicksilvers are getting pretty shredded in the bottom, so I thought it was time. I bought a pair of Pit Stop pants with a really loud khaki camo pattern (this is sometimes distracting while riding... no doubt the phrase “I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you my pants are too loud” will be uttered by me before the season is through). Judging by historical precedence, I deduced that some form of philosophic wisdom would be handed out by the garment tag on my new duds. This was in fact a correct assumption, right beneath the French care instructions I found the following: “Save a tree, eat a beaver”.

In the modern age of climate change and CO2 credits, trees are an important part of our enviro-economic reality. The unnecessary felling trees is a burden on both the environment and the economy. This I believe is the message being conveyed by this particular tidbit of wisdom. By saving a tree, we ensure that greenhouse gases are being more efficiently processed to ensure more epic winters to come (this should be evidently important to snowboarders). So “save a tree, eat a beaver” is very topical advice from the cunning linguists at Westbeach. Even if we accept this postulate as being true however, we have to determine what effect the state of said beaver will have when it is eaten. Is there any benefits, other than aesthetic, of eating a shaved beaver? What about feasting at 30,000 feet (affectionately known as the mile high club). Have our brave Westbeach philosophers considered the consequences of red wings? What of pink tacos? These and many other questions need to be answered and more research money will need to be spent. I'm currently petitioning Natural Resources Canada for additional funding for this project.

Here's what we know so far:

• Garment care tags are a good source of knowledge on topical issues such as climate change and gender roles (The latter is based on discoveries brought forward by Carrie).

• Cunning linguists and muff divers may inevitably become the saviours of our current climate (so say my Westbeach pants).

• Laundry, although a tedious domestic chore, has proved to be a great source of amusement. WASH YOUR CLOTHES PEOPLE!

Garment care tag philosophy is proving to be a valuable tool in finding solutions to the problems of our collective day-to-day life. My research budget is drying up however, and this important field of research needs to be explored more thoroughly. If you have any garment care tag philosophies to share, please do so; science shouldn't be bound by budget. Until next time...

Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!

J.

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Every once in a while, usually when my friends stop hanging out with me because of the smell, I take the time to do some laundry. Recently I decided it was time to wash my good old Westbeach Sunset jacket. We'd had some good times but it was starting to smell a little too much like the outdoors so it was time to give it the old spin cycle. I proceeded to empty out the pockets in preparation for the washing procedure (faded cash and water logged iPods are not cool).

With my pockets empty (even those secret inside pockets... I didn't find any misplaced money unfortunately ), it was time to get to the washing part. Step one: find the garment care instructions tag. This proved to be a bit of a challenge since it was located somewhere beneath the powder skirt. Once located, I proceeded to read off the instructions:

• Machine Wash Cold with Like Colour

• Tumble Dry Low

• Do not dry clean.

Seems easy enough, but just to double check, I decided to flip the tag over to make sure I didn't miss anything (I only like good surprises). On first glance, it just seemed like the French translation of the afore mentioned care instructions (I love Canada) however, there seemed to be a little extra at the bottom: “Spooning is good but forking is better”. It took a second for this wonderful nugget of wisdom to register, so on second reading it occurred to me that sometimes the deepest of philosophies can be found in the most uncommon places such as garment care instruction tags.

Being a bit of a sceptic, I don't generally take what I read at face value. That being said, this seems like an easy enough postulate to verify. So I'm looking for research assistants to help me confirm that “forking” is in fact better than “spooning”. Compensation is commensurate to my research budget (which is pretty much non existent once condoms and beer are purchased). Willing candidates should send applications to:

The Institute for Useless Research (IUR)
69 Fornikature way
Whorina, Ontario, Canada
IB6 UB9

I hope to be able to further the field of useless social science and build on what I've already learned:

• Clean clothes make it easier to keep the friends that you have.

• Wisdom can often be found in the most unexpected places, including washing instructions.

• Vanilla yoghurt mixed with strawberry pop rocks is a tasty snack and a nutritional paradox (yes I know this has nothing to do with this blog but I like being random).

If interested, feel free to contact me, I'll be in my study (the crapper), or the lab (the chairlift) pushing the frontiers of science. Until next time,

Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!

J

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