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Dear Dr. Shred,

As reported in a recent news article on Yahoo.com, a Massachusetts sandwich shop is trying to prevent a burrito stand from opening by leveraging a clause in its lease that no other sandwich shop may open in the same mall. This begs the question: is a burrito a sandwich?

Captain Condiment



Dear Captain Condiment,

To answer this question, we first have to define what a sandwich is. According to Wikipedia, a sandwich is “a food item typically consisting of two pieces of leavened bread between which are laid one or more layers of meat, vegetable, cheese, together with optional or traditionally provided condiments, sauces, and other accompaniments.” This is similar to the manwich which often involves a man (the meat) sandwiched between two ladies (bread) with optional or traditionally provided condiments, sauces and other accompaniments (a fun time often referred to as Wednesday night).

The word burrito on the other hand, literally translates to “little donkey” in Spanish. The word donkey is also used in combination with the word punch which describes an alcoholic beverage and a deviant sex act involving sodomy followed by a punch to the back of the head (I don't want to get into the gory details here but if you want to know, ask Dr. Shred).

As you can see, the differences between a sandwich and a burrito are vast, and all things considered, I'd rather find myself sandwiched between two lovely ladies than sodomized and punched in the head. All this to say that a sandwich is NOT a burrito and it seems that the US justice system agrees with me.

I hope this answers your question,
Dr. Shred



Published On: 12/5/2006
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Daily Barns: Ask a Snowboarder
By: jr_barns


Greetings shredders! For those of you that read my blog regularly, you may have noticed that lasts week's instalment was somewhat metaphysical (in the smart stupid way). This week I've decided to get back to basics a little bit and stick to something that I know and that I'm that sure more people can relate to.

I'm sure there are many of you who have been in a situation where you've given your opinion on something and have been told to stick to what you know and not try to cogitate on things beyond your area of expertise. Well as snowboarders, I think we are all super geniuses in our own right. Last week's Daily Barns serves as an example of what can come out of a snowboarder's coconut, no matter how ludicrous (in fact the more ludicrous the better). Lukas Huffman is a snowboarder and generally thought to be a very smart fellow; he's working on a book/DVD called IR77 which explores the raw side of riding so it's clearly not uncommon for snowboarders to have good ideas. What does this all mean? Snowboarders know stuff. The story I'm about to relate to you provides evidence that when you have a question, ask a snowboarder, we know everything.

A friend of mine is currently unhappy with her job. We used to work for the same company a few years ago and since then I've changed jobs several times. She thought she'd ask my advice on leaving a company without burning any bridges. Being the nice guy that I am, I thought I'd help her out in any way I could reminding her that I don't have much in terms of “industry experience” so my advice would be strictly extrapolated from logical foundations. She was cool with that so, fighting my initial instinct to use this as an opportunity to find out what it takes to get fired, I proceeded to tell her what I thought would be the best way to plan an “exit strategy” without ruffling too many feathers. Over the next hour, we mapped out a plan based on a “difference of ethics” which, if set up properly, would make it appear as though her departure would be mutually beneficial for both parties (I should probably go into politics). I don't want to get into the details of the plan here since it was pretty long, but let me just say that the word “endgame” came up on at least one occasion.

With a plan of action in hand, my friend was in good spirits. I told her however, that she should ask for other opinions; usually if you take the sum of everyone's point of view, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. She decided to ask Mr. P, the former VP of finance and CFO of the company we had previously worked for. This guy is a big wheel locally in business; a few years ago he was on the list of top 40 executives under 40 so naturally he'd be a wealth of experience and knowledge. His advice dimmed her spirits however, because he effectively told her that she needed to stay put for a while and that there was no way to part ways on good terms. When she told me this, I said “OK let's put this in perspective for a minute”

Mr. P = Top 40 under 40 in business.

Me = Snowboarder

“The decision is a no brainer” I said. In the end, she agreed with me and decided to take my advice over Mr. P's.



So the morals of this story are the following:

  • When looking for truth, take the sum of all opinions first; you'll find the answer somewhere in the middle.

  • Ethical reservations are always a good tool to justify leaving a job and doing so on good terms. Alternatively you can accuse the boss of giving the receptionist herpes (unless you are the receptionist in which case it should be the handle bar mustashio'd custodian).

  • If you have an important life decision to make, ask a snowboarder we know everything. Maybe Snowboard.com should be the new Wikipedia... let the knowledge be shared.

  • Since my coconut is in such demand, I'm getting a helmet for snowboarding; I wouldn't want to forget something.

I'll leave you all now to ponder about these morals. But in the spirit of sharing the knowledge (a good friend of mine once told me that sharing is caring), there should be an advice column run by snowboarders; I think I'll call it “Ask Dr. Shred.” Send questions for Dr. Shred via personal message, I'll see to it that he gets them and will do my best to get him motivated to impart his eminent wisdom. Please be sure to put “Ask Dr. Shred” in the subject so I'll know which messages are for him, and which are for me, and don't feel bad if your queries go unanswered, after all Dr. Shred IS a snowboarder and may be too busy slashing some pow to slash the metaphysical. So until I receive universal enlightenment...

Keep Shreddin' the GNAR!

J.





Published On: 11/8/2006
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