Words of Wisdom
why do hotdogs come in packeges of 10 or 12 when hotdog buns come in pakages of only 8???
1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2) Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3) Half the people you know are below average.
4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5) 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8) If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9) All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14) If everything seems to be going well, you havobviously overlooked something.
15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19) If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
20) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33) Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34) I intend to live forever......so far, so good
35) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
36) If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
37) Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
38) If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
39) Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
40) If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
41) I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
42) How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
43) After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before gettingOUT of the water?
44) Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
45) If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
46) I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
47) Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
48) Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
*49) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?*
50) When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When
a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
51) If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
52) Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?
53) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in
it?
54) Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
55) How come abbreviated is such a long word?
56) If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
57) Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
58) Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?
59) Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
60) Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
61) Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
62) If the universe is everything, and scientists say that
the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
63) If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
64) What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
65) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
66) Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
67) When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a
near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
68) Do fish get cramps after eating?
69) Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
70) Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
71) Why do scientists call it research when looking for
something new?
72) If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
73) When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
*74) Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?*
75) Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
76) How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
77) If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
*78) Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?*
79) Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
80) Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
81) Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
82) Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
83) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
84) Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
85) What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?
86) Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
87) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
88) Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
89) Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
90) Do married people live longer than single people or does it
just SEEM longer?
91) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
92) If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
hey all still working?
93) Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
94) War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
