Now, as well all know, every good story starts out with "So I got really cocky and..."

However, I didn't actually get cocky, I got lost. Well, went down the wrong trail at least. So sit back grab a brew and relax as I tell my story in my oxycodone induced state of euphoria!




So based on a few reviews from the good people here, I decided to hit up Loon mtn in New Hampshire while i'm up here in Boston. First off, I had to visit the site where God (Carl Yastrimsky) descended upon the earth (Fenway Stadium) and laid his blessing upon it (Big Green Monster). My pilgramige to the holy land complete, it was time to stock up on pop tarts and energy drinks as I drove the short two hours out to a mountain that actually had snow. Cleary, I was excited since here in DC, our only version of real snow is what happens when you pump water through a giant snow blowing machine on really cold nights. (Basically, snowboarding in the DC area is like putting on a condom to rub one out and calling it sex. Sure you get off, but you really don't want to brag about it.)

I arrive at the mountain and right away i'm giddy as a school girl. In fact, if I was any more excited, the walk from the parking lot to the lifts would have been done sideways. The conditions weren't great but considering what I called "decent" on my last trip, this was freaking heaven. I got my pass and hopped on the first lift that said "We take your ass to easy sheet". Actually, I think it said "This lift serves Green trails", but whatever this is my story and I'll tell it as I like. Yes, I'm still very new so I try to take it easy especially if I don't know the trails. I get off the lift (didn't fall, WOOOO!) and take a look around.

Alright, so it looks like if I go here here and over heah, I can stay on the easier stuff and not break anything...again. I strap in (Flows so really I just step in and slap the back closed. God I love my flows) and head on down. So I'm gliding down and doing quite well I might add, well quite well until I try a toe side to heel side turn. Jesus I suck at that. I chuckle as I get back up, I'm getting better at it at least :). I'm taking it kinda slow, anytime I see a "big" drop, I stop on the side and take a look before I head on down.

By now, my confidence is doing great, I'm feeling good, all is well. This may be why I didn't notice that I had taken a wrong turn as was quickly approaching an area that was well out of my league. As I start to pick up some serious speed, I notice that oddly, there are some pretty steep declines here and really big lumps. I slow it down a bit and make my way down thinking "damn this is pretty serious for a green". As I get closer to the end, I really start to pickup speed and fast. I'm going from stop to "holy xXxX" in 2.34567 seconds. But, since the end is near I figure all is well.

Haha was I ever wrong!

I stop overlooking a really steep drop (ok steep from my point of view, again my story dammit). I gulp point my nose down and away I go. I'm going really fast so I start to think about slowing it down. Before I can start, my ass is over my head and i'm going down. Now, I'd like to say that I caught my edge on a chunk of ice, or hit a jump or I had sand in my eyes, or demon pixies tripped me. While i'm leaning heavily on the demon pixie theory, I could just be that I lost my balance and ate it.

So there I am, way up in the air and comming down just as fast as I went up. Newton tells us that my velocity when I went up is going to match the same velocity I have when I land. I'd like to take a moment to say... xXxX you Newton, seriously. You suck. Anyway, I land right on my right kidney. Not leg, then kidney, not even spine then kidney, full on kidney. Instantly on impact, my kidney yells out. "You ignorant son of a bitch... you're lucky you pee'd first otherwise I'd make damn sure your ass wouldn't be the only thing wet right now!" (Or something like that, I speak fluent Kidney but all my internal organs switched to Esparanto years ago just to piss me off)

My head snaps back and slams against the ground (time to buy a helmet!). I'm instantly greeted with a white light. At first I think "Am I dead? is this heaven?" Then I hear laughter. Suddenly, out of the light comes God himself and he's laughing his ass off. "Wow, by the time I saw that comming you were on your ass, sorry about that. I'll send some redheads your way this summer or something, Later~" It's nice to know that God has a sense of humor... even if he is being a sadistic sob.

The white light fades away and I'm greeted with spinning stars and birds. Yeah, I know! I thought that was only in cartoons too. So as the stars are circling my thouroughly thrashed noggin, one of the birds leaves my cranial orbit and comes into view. No xXxX, it's tweety! Tweety, being his kind and gentle self belts out a line I will never forget. "I tawt I saw you get knocked the xXxX out... bitch!" Tweety, apparently watches Friday too much.

So the hallucinations fade away and I'm snapped back to reality. There I am in the snow with my head inbetween my knees in horrid pain. And I mean kicked in the dangly parts type pain. The pain in my lower back is shooting all the way down to my toes and I suddenly have 4 hands and 20 fingers. I'm holding my breath so I don't vomit I'm in so much pain. Finally, it fades off enough that I can slowly get back up and head down the rest of the trail as slow as possible.

An hour and 800mg of Advil later, I'm good enough to head back up the super duper we're so easy we service the tubbing trail lift and continue my day going down that slope over and over until I leave.

Too make an already very long story short; when I got home I hoped on google and looked up directions to the hospital. The impact area is completely numb, is sending shooting pain all the way down my leg, and there's NO bruise. These are not good signs. Thankfully the doc says im all good minus some seriously bashed muscles and a bruised pelvis hands my some pain killers and sends me on my way.

So I now sit here, in not so much pain thanks to the mighty pills looking out the window and watching it snow. That's right, it's snowing like a mofo AFTER I get back from the slopes. Bah!!!!!




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Published by Mooz: 4:28 PM
Views: 3911