Sunday, January 28, 2007

Ah the One Night Stand. The Hump and Dump. Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em. Stick it in her Without the Dinner. Once the past time of slimeballs and a**holes, this hobby has been experiencing a new wave of participation. But not, as you may think, by men. Women are now taking control of this once all male sport.

Example- A few months ago I met a guy who moistened my interest. He was strutting around acting like he was all that and had a bag of Doritos in his back pocket. Now if there is one thing I can’t stand it’s a guy who talks the talk, but his cock goes limp at the thought of a little slap and tickle. So I dared him to put his cock where his eyes kept looking. And like any dog you put a little meat in front of his face and he starts humping your leg like he owns you and starts talkin' about feelings and forever and blah, blah, blah. Apparently he just didn’t understand that all I was interested in was getting his cock in my mouth for a little bit, and that was it.

So we went to my place and after one hour and three orgasms (all his) I was done. I got out of bed, got dressed and told him to get out. I will never forget the look of wide-eyed surprise on his face and the words he so tenderly mumbled "Huh…what? I thought we could talk."

After repeating myself several times and throwing his clothes at him, I finally got his ass out of my bed. The whole time I’m walkin’ his butt out my door he keeps askin’ for my phone number and when he’s gonna see me again. As far as I’m concerned he should have been thanking god that he just got the blowjob of a lifetime and didn’t even have to "cuddle". I hate cuddling.

When a man initiates a one-night stand with a woman he’s a stud. When a woman does it, she’s a slut. Look around you, there are a lot more sluts these days. Why? Because in this day and age nobody has time for the rest of the shi*t that usually comes with the opposite sex. All this talking and getting in touch with each other’s feelings just doesn’t hold a candle to a paycheck or a stiff drink, and those are the things to take time getting.

Now if you’re smart, you can turn this to your advantage. Just think of it, you get suckin' and f*ckin', and don’t have to ever meet her mother. What could be better than that? If your really looking for a relationship with a girl, you know that the woman you just bought four tequila shooters for and already her panties are lying in the bed of your truck, is not Ms Right. But if you’re man enough she sure as hell is ready to be Ms Right now. So buck up big boy and let that little lady use and abuse you then throw your ass out of her house. And in the morning mix that Bloody Mary and thank god for the emancipation of women.

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Published by EchosNeternity: 6:52 PM

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Everyone has heard the saying cuddling is for girls. While in most cases this is true there are some instances where it is ok for a guy to cuddle. Now I dont mean that sissy I just want to be held shi*t, Im talking about man cuddling. What is man cuddling you ask? Well I shall explain it to you. In order to do so I must explain cuddling in general so here we go.

The five types of cuddling.

1. Sissy shi*t- When most people say cuddling, this is what they mean. This is the after sex I need affirmation that you really do care about me and are not just using me for sex stuff. For the most part this is a girl thing, but there are some whiny sissy f*ck men out there who do it too. It just makes me want to vomit.
2. Friend mauling- This type is usually not recognized as cuddling, but that is what it is. This is when you are hanging out with a good friend and you start to tussle only to end up spooned together in a pile of arms and legs just chillin. This form shows affection and caring while not always leading to sex. In general this type is done girl-boy, but in some cases can also be girl on girl or boy on boy. With boy on boy the lounging afterwards does not happen for long though. If it does they probably enjoy butt sex. Mmmmm butt sex..sorry.
3. Human heater- This form is, in a way, completely different from all the others for one aspect. You do not have to give one flying f*ck about the person you are practicing this form with, it is an entirely selfish act. This one can also take place almost anywhere in any situation. This form is the Im f*cking cold and you are giving off body heat so I am going to leech it from you by getting as close as I can and making you scream by putting my cold ass body parts against you form. This is regularly practicing by women when first getting into bed but I have seen it practiced by men too. Also this is practiced a lot when camping.
4. I want sex- This is the body grinding, groping, I want sex and you are going to give it to me as soon as we are alone stuff. This usually involves a lot of booze and giggling.
5. Greco-Roman- This is man shi*t. This is when youre in bed with a guy and he wants to get comfortable so he puts you in the position he wants you in so he can be comfortable. Im not sayin he asks you politely to move your leg or anything. This is when he picks you up and hurls you through the air to the other side of the bed and pins your arms to your body while throwing a leg over your middle and you cant f*ckin move shi*t, while he gently snores in your ear. This is when, if you make one single move, you find you are sleeping with a grizzly bear in hibernation. You twitch your finger and suddenly from behind you hear a rumbling growl and a paw comes down on you like a vice until you can barley breathe, then he grunts in satisfaction and starts snoring again. God help you if you try to move away.just dont try, trust me.

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Published by EchosNeternity: 10:55 PM

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Where Have all the Real Men Gone?

About ten years ago a horrible rumor started that changed how men and women acted for the worst. It was so bad that sub-cultures were spawned and television will never be the same again. What vicious lie was so bad that it affected not only our sexual relationships but also the world as we know it? This simple statement: Women like sensitive males.

Now, you may ask yourself what is so bad about being a sensitive male. You even consider yourself one. But as a woman I am here to let you know that the time of sensitivity has passed. Every woman I know has dated her share of caring men, those who will ask about your feelings and cry on your shoulder during every movie you see. And every woman has dumped that guy in favor of the Marlboro man who screws anybody with tits. Why? Because if we wanted sensitive wed all be lesbians and to hell with men. But alas, some of us still crave cock. So in an effort to help rehabilitate the sensitive male into a man women will actually want to have sex with here are some helpful tips.

1. Dont ever refer to yourself as Metrosexual again, unless you want your date to vomit in your lap.
2. Dont ever cry at a movie. If you start you might end up seeing your girl leaving with the jackass who was telling you to shut the hell up from three rows back. In fact the only time its ok to cry is when your dog dies, or the Seahawks win the Superbowl.
3. Dont refer to something as cute, even if its your girlfriend. Cute is a word that older women made up to sound more like the sixteen year old girl that every guy wants to f*ck. And unless you want to come off sounding like a sixteen-year-old girl and run the risk of a gang-bang in county lock-up, dont use cute.
4. Looks matter. If she says she loves you for what is on the inside, then why is she blowing Juan the hot Latino waiter in the bathroom of your favorite restaurant? You dont have to look like Vin Diesel, but dont show up looking like you let your mom pick your clothes either. Just take a little time to reflect on the greats, John Wayne (In any role he played), Sean Connery (As James Bond), Bruce Willis (Mmmmm sorry), and dress accordingly. Forget shopping at the mall anymore, just throw on jeans and that T-shirt you got blood all over in the pit at a Casualties show and ring my bell.
5. Attitude. No, Im not saying two snaps and a hand on the hip. I mean Male attitude. Youve got balls so let em hang. When a girl asks you where you want to eat, dont ask her where she wants to go, make the damn decision yourself. Nothing says hot man flesh like a guy who knows what he wants and is not afraid to tell you what it is. And if she doesnt like your idea of steak at the Acrop, give me a call.
6. SEX SEX SEX!!! In the bedroom real men take control. Screw female domination. Pull my hair, smack my ass, call me a whore and Ill suck your cock till the wife comes home.

So men, its time to stand up, push out your chest, and declare in a resounding voice "I am a heterosexual male and I demand to be treated as the sex pig that I am." Now go out and knock the first woman you see over the head with a club and drag her back to the cave (just remember to drag them by the hair or else they fill up with rocks). Make her cook you dinner barefoot then engage in sexual acts that would make a Scottish sheep blush and in the morning kick her ass out. In short, stop being such a god damn pussy!

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Published by EchosNeternity: 6:45 PM

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

On the way home from the bar this morning I had an interesting conversation about sex. Unlike most of my conversations about my favorite subject this one did not center on the act itself but rather on scents that evoke a sexual response. Barbra (most of you will remember her from your wet dreams) and myself both agreed there is one scent that absolutely drives us wild. What is this amazing aphrodisiac that can turn a woman into your slave? Ill give you a hint, its not any cologne or perfume. Its not motor oil or sweat, (for god sakes, we like how you look when youre all sweaty, not how you smell) its not even aftershave or any type of crap you slather on yourselves in hopes of attracting our delicate nostrils. Give up?

Its the scent of laundry soap. Guys stay with me, ladies back me up. When you give a guy a hug and he is wearing a freshly laundered shi*t and you press your nose against his chest and inhale deeply, doesnt it make you just a little excited? Its simple math, if you add too much scent (as in bathing in cologne) you subtract interest. No girl wants to f*ck a guy who smells like a Parisian whore who doesnt bathe. Im not sayin dont wear cologne, on some guys it smells really good, but its a bitch to find one that works with your body chemistry and then you have to figure out how much, how little, and where on you to put it.

Laundry soap is a universal pleasant smell. Its not too strong, not too soft, its fresh and clean smelling too. Trust me, you cant go wrong with a just out of the dryer t-shirt guys, but dont take my word for it, try it out yourself. Wash your clothes, (for once in your life you dirty hippies) wash yourself, (because even laundry soap cant kill body funk) throw your clothes on and go hug women. No, dont molest them or hump their legs, just give them nice friendly hugs. (Preferably hug women you know, lets not get arrested here.) I guarantee you those women will hold you a little longer, and inhale a little deeper, when your arms are around them. Who knows, the ones who thought you were a dirty bastard before might give you a second chance. I know every time I smell a hot guy in clean clothes I think dirty thoughts ;)

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Published by EchosNeternity: 7:01 AM