i think i don't want to work as a nurse any more all teh pinching and bitint is getting to be to much and my supervisor is a prick i think i would like to work at the bookstore in the mall i think that would be real nice at least maybe i won't get bit any more i just hope that they are hiring i can be cute and plucky how do you think i am getting through college sure i got tons of brains but sometimes it takes a little bit more to make the grade

i have been told time and time again that life will get better amd you know sometimes i want to believe them but then i fall right back down no one is realistic anymore i'm on the edge of giving up my dreams and just joining the US Army get on in one of the m.a.s.h. groups. even though i don't believe in what we are fighting for any more i barely believe in anything anymore.  i use to believe in me and now even that is failing me i look at myself in the mirror and i see a shell of my former self.  you know what i'm doing tonight nothing absolutly nothing.  and you know why its because i only have one thing left that i believe in, Love you heard me love, that one day this guy that i like will see that i am a pretty swell girl i'm even taking a language class at my university so that i can better understand him or at least show him that i am making an effort.  so here's to beliefs i guess you could say because i don't know if love exists i just believe in it.

sorry for my out bursts and for who ever reads them sorry for the messed up thoughts i give you i am getting help and somedays i can even look at myself in the eye the funny thing is even though most days i want to curl up in a ball and die there are some days that i want to live life to its fullest and i actually feel like i can i hope that those days come more often some day i'm sorry this must sound like i am not making much of an effort but i have leared that with me i take a lot of time if i don't want what i'm trying to do to get screwed up

i only say this because everything i do seems to go to hell you know why i have a crush on a guy overseas because i know that he will never be able to get close enough to me to hate me or for that matter maybe love me mostly however i like him because he makes me feel a little less insane because even though no one that lives in close proximity to me seems to like me he does he sees me as his friend and wants some day to meet me... that will be quite the day when he sees my wretched self get off the plane and he will realize that distance was a good thing i have too many flaws right now i am to selfish and insecure and angry and hopeless too hurt and i am so scared that he will hate me i'm scared that i will hate myself and i think i only care what he thinks because i think i honestly care about him  more then i have ever cared about anyone because somehow in my twisted mind i actually think that there might be someone that could care about me too and so i have to take this chance and get on a plane someday and face him just to see if some where deep inside something could finally go right and not everything goes to hell that maybe someday i could be who i really want to be the glimpse that sometimes people get to see.  i don't know i'm ranting it's late at night i have no friends except that guy overseas that calls me on the phone and asks me how my day is and he really wants to know.

i have come to the conclusion that siting in my room all by myself sleeping is a good way to pass the day